Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Three Bug-Bites to the FACE

I'M BACK. And bitten. And so very itchy.

So the river wilderness adventure was fun. It was awesome hanging out with my cousins, but to be honest I'm not really a... bug person. I mean, I don't think anyone is really a bug person, except for the few who have chosen to abandon their mediocre lives as pale cubicle-dwellers and gone off into the wild to join their bug brethren. Kind of like how Spongebob joined the jellyfish in that one episode where he took off his square pants... but yeah. What was I saying? Oh, that's right. I don't like bugs. Especially mosquitos that have the nerve to bite my face.

You see, mosquitoes are horrible creatures. They serve no purpose to anybody anywhere, and cause bites that easily morph into weird shapes on my overreact-able skin to convince me that I have several incurable diseases that will cause me much pain in the near future. I mean, these lumps can't be normal.

And then they go and bite my face. As if it isn't enough insult that I don't realize a mosquito has bitten my leg twelve times until I suddenly get the urge to itch my skin off, they go and ninja on to my face and make a complete fool out of me. It's all about pride, with mosquitos. They suck it away with every bite, stealing blood and dignity.

With arm and leg bites, I can live my life. Sure, I'll sit at my computer screen typing up a blog while fighting the urge to itch every five seconds, but it'll be bearable. I can slather on the itch-X magic cream and ignore the reality of the red lumps. But on my face... everything is ten times worse. Not only do I feel like I'm going to rip open my cheek and forehead whenever I catch myself scratching, but now it looks like I have obnoxious acne. Walking on the street, I can almost feel people staring at my not acne bug bites. It infuriates me. It makes me want to grab the supermarket lady by the shoulders and shout, "IT'S A BUG BITE, DAMN IT. IT WON'T GO AWAY." I spent all summer scrubbing my face with that so-called miracle face wash so I'd be all clear and such for my senior year, and now THIS. Nothing I do will make the bug-bites go away from my face. It makes me sad.

On another note, I think a shrine needs to be made for this itch-X cream. It needs some kind of reward, or medal, or even just a hug. It's pretty much the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I've seen the X-Men movies, so that's saying a lot. Truthfully I think I'd be pretty lost without this magical cream. Or just really itchy.

Last time I had a lot of bug bits I rubbed banana peels on them because some websites told me it would help. It sort of worked but I think it's because I just willed it to do something with my mind and rubbed the bites for a while... but it left weird banana goo on my legs... so I think I'll stick with itch-X. This stuff is the shiz.

I just put some on my face. It's making me paranoid that my face is going to be all messed up. Are you supposed to put this stuff on your face? I can feel the goo just sticking there... (That's what she said). Anyway the bug bite stopped itching. Mostly. Sometimes I get the feeling that half of itch-X's power comes from my extreme desire to not want to touch it. I feel like the goo is toxic or something... so I don't itch it. Hmm.

I think I'll stay inside from now until... later. When all of the mosquitos in the world have spontaneously combusted. Yeah.

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