Thursday, April 19, 2012

Thoughts With Gfish as She Runs the Mile

Today I ran the mile. Naturally, it was awful. I'm not really the most athletic person in the world, given the undeniable pleasure I get from sitting down... so you see how being forced to run around a track four times in the blazing heat could be an issue.

Instead of actually trying, my friend and I decided to slowly jog/walk this fitness test because hell, we're seniors. We're too good for running. Gym class is below our superiority.

Anyway, things got pretty weird as we were jogging. Let me remind you that the sun was blazing and it felt like burning marshmallow goo was sliding down my back as this whole jogging bit went down. Some crazy things come out of my mouth when I'm delusional enough to physically move around for more than five minutes. I'd like to share with you what happened in the course of this mile-long jog as well as the words that actually came out of my mouth that may be slightly paraphrased because my memory is crap.


Our track is red. Like the color of blood tears.

"Okay. Okay we got this. This is a nice pace. A nice jog. I can do this. SENIOOORRRS."


"You know, I've been thinking. You know what would be a good way to meet new people? You just... you just walk in the hallway, right? And then... you see someone. And you like... pick a random appliance. And you just... call them that. And just be like... HEY BLENDER. WHAT'S UP? And then the next time... the next time you see them... you can be like.... SAWP BLENDER. And the first time, they're like... what? But then... then the second time they'll hear you call them blender. And they may smile. And be all... hey? And then the THIRD time. Well... that's when it get's real. You see them.... HEY BLENDER, GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! And they get it now. And they'll be all... HEY YOU. And then BAM. Friendship. Like that. You got a friend, and you don't even need to know their name.... just what appliance belongs to their face."


"This sucks. We can walk the next lap. Fo sho."


"Okay. We've got... a super... bad time.... can't walk this one..."

"Okay. Okay okay okay. We'll walk the curve. But.... but... we'll POWERWALK THAT BITCH. And I don't mean you... I meant the curve. That curve... can suck it."

"Powerwalkin', powerwalkin', hawhawhawhawhaw."

"So you know... I wouldn't actually... need to learn... anyone's name... just call 'em all blender..."




"WE CAN... WE CAN..."



Spring mile time: 10:58

Come at me, bro.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

My Cat the Chair

There's this chair in front of my computer. It's comfortable, it's nice, and I thoroughly enjoy sitting in it. Unfortunately, my cats feel the same way. They've taken over this chair. Every single time I go to sit on this chair, they are there. They are sleeping. And they are refusing to move.

I don't think you understand the severity of what I'm talking about here. My cats don't just sit on chairs. They purposefully torment me by spreading out and covering every single inch of this chair until all that's left for me is a small corner the size of an oreo cookie. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable sitting on that corner is? IT'S QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE.

It's not even like I can just push my cats off to the back of the chair. No. I've tried that. I've tried pushing Bamba (my mischievous cat) to the back of the chair, and she's attacked my hand and hissed until I lamely gave up and simply sat on the corner of dejection. Then she just plopped her head right back down and slept, as if I didn't even exist. I will not be shunned by my own cat! Not in my house!

Then again, what choice do I really have? I think we all know who wears the metaphorical pants in this relationship... and it's not me. My pants-less cats wear the pants.

I mean how can you say no to that face??

In any case, I end up sitting in extreme discomfort for about a half hour. Then my cat gets bored of torturing me, leaves, and I experience one of the best feelings on earth. 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Facebook Pictures

This post was inspired by Rainbows and Unicorns. I saw your post and thought I'd add my own two cents.

Recently I've been seeing a lot of people making fun of guy/girl profile pictures on facebook. It's pretty funny. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just check out the pics below. I've modified them to protect the identities of the people who have already posted their faces all over the internet. They probably don't care either way. You can find the originals online quite easily.


I do not own the original photos, nor do I have any idea who those people are. 

These pictures make me laugh because they're so true. Somebody I know has done at least one of these without the intention of mocking somebody who has done it. I can't say I haven't done an extension of one of those poses when encouraged by others. Let's just say my phone's camera isn't nearly high tech enough to take pictures of myself that don't make me look like a giant blob mess. 

I'm not going to hate on people with pictures like these. Sure they look a bit ridiculous, but hey. Post whatever pictures you damn want to. Just realize that people are going to judge you. If you want people to think you think you're a gangster, act like a gangster. When it's completely obvious you aren't actually a gangster, putting up a "badass" profile pic isn't going to change the facts. So you're just telling people you're a poser. If that's what you're going for as a funny contrast to who you actually are, then go for it. If you are actually a poser who really does think of himself (or herself) as gangster... then I'm sorry. And girls. If you post a slutty picture... well that's what people are going to think you are. It's your choice. Do what you want. 

Also, I feel like this whole picture mocking business could be taken to the next level... so I'm going to do just that. SO PREPARE YOURSELVES... FOR THE GROUP SHOTS. Just a small note before you go on to read these... I'm pretty much making fun of my own group shots when I draw these. So don't take any offense. I jest. 

The Sunsetters

The Masters of Levitation

The Duckface Mockers

Our Legs Look Like a Star


That is all. 

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Snow Cone Machine

So... I ordered a snow cone machine.

I might be jumping to conclusions here, but I think this might just be up there with the best purchases I've ever made, striding high among the Carstache and fabric for the Snorlax beanbag chair.

The uses for a snow cone machine are endless. Especially in a college dorm.

When I go off to school next year, I'd really like to get some kind of reputation. Now given I'm not really prone to heavy drinking, drug use, or getting into serious trouble... I've got to be a bit more creative. So I've decided to be "That Snow Cone Girl." It's going to be a big responsibility keeping up with my snow cone street cred, but I'm willing to go the distance. I want that title. Everyone wants to be cool in college, and I'm going to be one up from that. I'm going to be snow cone cool.

Sure, people may criticize me for spending near fifty bucks on something like this, but to all you haters out there I have just one thing to say. I used a gift card. That's right. It was my birthday last month, and I got an absurdly awesome amount of gift cards to Barnes & Noble. So, I went to the website, and BAM. They sell snow cone machines there. Didn't use a bit of real money for that sweet piece of machine.

Things I could will do with a snow cone machine in college:

Make snow cones.

Host snow cone parties.

Bring snow cones to parties.

Make snow for snowball fights when the weather's being lame and not providing me with actual snow.


In other news... Monty. This is you. <3

Monday, April 2, 2012

Horoscope- April 2012

I realized that if you were to come to this blog searching for a scarily accurate portrayal of your future, you'd realize that my November horoscope is a bit outdated. Clearly different things happen every month. So without much further ado, I present my updated monthly horoscope for April 2012.


Aries (March 21- April 19)
aka my sign

April will be pretty chill. You'll be hit with a bit of Spring time allergies, so keep that tissue box close by. Make sure you get the nice ones that are soft and comforting. You can never spoil your nose too much, especially when it's going through such a hard time. If you come across a bit of money this month, don't get your hopes up too high. You'll spend it on something useless and then regret it later. 

Also, happy birthday. Or happy belated birthday. Or not. You could be a Taurus. Ew.  

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Somebody has wronged you. They've stolen your fancy granola bar and taken a bite of it. God, their nasty germs are going to get all over your perfect mid-day snack. Annihilate the little weasel. Stuff him/her into a toaster.  Then sink that toaster in the Pacific to show the snack thief the true meaning of "You'll be swimmin' with the fishes." Except these fishes aren't going to be nice and tasty like Goldfish or Sweedish fish. No. They'll be sharks. Sharks that enjoy eating good-for-nothing scalawags and excreting them into the deepest darkest pits of the ocean where they'll never see the light of day again but may instead be eaten by a Kraken. 

Also happy birthday if it happens to be this month :]

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

I get the feeling you are going to go see Titanic 3D this month. Not just because it's coming out on April 4th (save the date!) and you're bored, but because you are a legitimate, die hard titanic fan. Not the actual event, of course, but the movie. Unless you really do like it when giant boats crash and kill hundreds of people. Then I've just gone and read you completely wrong.  

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

If you survived November's ferocious dog attack, I'm sorry to say you aren't going to have much luck this month in the animal department. This time it'll be a cat... or possible a duck. It's hard to tell the difference when looking for these things in the stars. Cats and ducks often look pretty similar in the mess up there. Actually... everything looks really similar. Don't eat the mozzarella sticks. 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

For some reason the stars are foreseeing a baby in your future. You might be pregnant. Don't panic. Take deep breaths. Eee-hooo, eee-hoo. This fortune has several interpretations. You could a) actually be pregnant, b) have a friend/relative who is pregnant, c) have a food baby, or d) see a baby in the park. I'd say the majority of those pose no real need to freak out. 

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Something really gangster is going to happen this month. I'm predicting it has to do with proving your street cred to a bunch of no good children. Show them who's boss, home skillet. Crack a frying pan, mad dog. Pop a keyboard and slap a few jams, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cause I'm not entirely sure what I just said. 

Libra (September 23- October 22)

You're going to see a flower on the side of the road. It'll be an extremely peculiar flower, with all sorts of pretty colors and such. However, do to your laziness and the fact that your car is going quite fast, you won't stop to pick it up. Hell, why would you stop to pick it up? It's just a dumb flower. Why risk getting run over, bitten by ticks, and eventually pricked by thorns just to put the dumb flower in a vase? 

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Bitches be trippin'. I sense cat fights in your future. Not literal cats. Literal cats will actually be quite fluffy and cute around you this month. But there's going to be a lot of claws and hissing. It's going to be about something ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of life, like prom or a group project. If you're a guy, keep your head low. Maybe carry around a bottle full of air you can spray into girls' faces if things get too heated. Air spritzes work surprisingly well when it comes to scaring off felines and changing the subject. Unfortunately the subject will quickly turn to: "Why are you spraying me with aaaiiiiirrrrruh." 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Worst centaur drawing ever.

Something's wrong with your pronunciation this month. People will keep correcting you on words you've said correctly your whole life. Like water. You'll keep saying the word water wrong. It'll leave you thinking... "What's wrong with me?" Don't stress, though. You've just got a serious case of accent confusion. Quit it with the foreign movies and things will get better. 

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

This is your month for romance. Take a chance. Step outside your comfort zone. You're 7.53 times more likely to succeed if you go for it this month. I promise. In other news, your pizza is going to have one piece of a topping you didn't order. Suspicious. Deciding whether or not you should eat it anyway is going to be the second third biggest decision you'll make all month. 

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Make sure to keep your phone on you at all times this month. If you don't, someone is going to pick it up, open it, look at a text you've just received, and read something that will make everyone feel uncomfortable. Especially you. Also don't worry about that stain you're going to get on your favorite shirt. It'll come out with a bit of magic, praying, and stain remover. 

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

Given that you hugged yourself when I told you to last November and didn't get hit by a car... this month will be alright for you. You'll take a lot of pictures. This is always fun, because pictures can be a blast to look through after you take them, just don't be obnoxious about it. If you're going to take creeper pics of people, make sure you're discreet. You don't want to annoy everyone by constantly making them feel like they've got to look presentable. Stick to catching them off guard and then not telling them you even took a picture until a few days later when it shows up on facebook.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Oh, THAT Road

A lot of times when people give me directions, they assume I know road names. 99 out of a 100 times, I really don't.

Now I know that I should probably learn the names of roads in the area around my house... but who really has the time for that? Why can't people just say, take the road with the ice cream store, take a right at the light with the weird purple sign in front of it, and then drive until you see the building with the flashy lights. You'll be looking for the building right next to that one. I mean, isn't that a bit more descriptive than: take Bluboflaven Rd. to Jummajacob Pike and then turn right and Northeast Southwestup before driving along Butterbearflu Dr. where you'll find the Ahahahahaha Building that was acting so elusive on your GPS.

Clearly those aren't the names people tell me... but that's pretty much what they all sound like to me.

It's like I have some kind of filter in front of my face. Directions enter the filter, and weird alien sounds come out the other end. I'm sorry. I don't understand alien.

 Extremely scientific drawing of my brain.

Committed to College

I have committed to a college.

Honestly, it feels like a cheese puff made of magic fairy dust and Brian William's face has just dissolved in my mouth and left a thin layer of candy fun-dip dream sand as a heart-warming after-taste. Somewhere in that concoction was a handful of pop rocks.

The next four years of my life actually have a face now. That face is in Boston. It has paws, teeth, and an adorable coat of fur. That's right, I'm going to be a Northeastern University Husky.

It's been my first choice this whole time, and while I already knew I got in when the Early Action decisions came back... I've finally committed. I'm going there. There's seriously no better feeling.

Currently, I feel... serene. Nothing could possibly stress me out right now.

I don't know why I was referring to my children in that picture. But I felt it. I felt an uncontrollably urge to write that... so I did. And now my children shall come.

Anyway. It's currently Spring Break, and aside from being the ultimate Petsitter in my region, I've got nothing to do. Therefore, I'm setting myself a goal. A post for every day this week. I have a lot of catching up to do, a lot to write about, and a lot to prove to myself. I can do it. I will do it. It's gunna happen.