Monday, November 28, 2011

Have You Ever Wanted to Punch a Baby?

Cruelty and abuse toward little children is wrong. I get that.

But you know what else is wrong?

Sitting on an airplane. Feeling hot and then cold and then hot and then cold. Being coughed on. Losing your shoes. Watching twelve hours of your life waste away into the clouds. Listening to little children cry and scream. Not being able to do anything about it but sit there and pout while your ipod speakers kill your ears so you can hear a faint buzzing noise over the roar of engine and baby.

I hate airplanes. I like children. Unfortunately the two don't seem to cancel out when put together, because for some reason kids can't seem to shut up on a plane. 

I'll be honest with you. This past Sunday as I flew back from visiting family in Israel, I wasn't in the best of places. My eating and sleeping schedules were scrambled and I couldn't get comfortable no matter where I sprawled out my limbs. I had already watched all of the not suckish movies and had even finished one episode of My Cat From Hell, and sleep would not relieve me from boredom. It was all because of the damn babies. 



After a while I began to have... disturbing thoughts. What would happen if I just... opened that door and threw this kid out? Sure the door looks big, but the instructions on how to open it are written so an idiot could open it. I could do it easily. There were a few flight attendants standing a few feet away... but would they really have time to stop me? Would they really want to stop me if it meant the baby would stop it's damn crying?

What if I just punched it. Not to kill... just to silence. If the mother didn't care enough about the other passengers to do something about her baby, then I sure as hell didn't care enough about her to do something about my tendencies to resort to violence.

It wasn't only the infant(s) I had problems with (I have no idea how many babies there actually were. All I know is that they cried, and it seemed to come at me from everywhere at once). The kids in the row behind and next to me were equally as annoying. Whenever their movie or show ended, they would turn to the aisle and start screaming. MMMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE. MMMMOOOOOMMMIIIIIEEEEEE. For a solid ten minutes until their mom strolled by and put something else on for them. This happened when they were hungry, thirsty, bored, or simply had to pee.


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Glad to be back.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanksgiving- Words from My Last-Year Self

Hey everyone! So I'm going to be posting my Friday post today, since I'll be out of the country starting tonight and may or may not have access to the internet while I'm gone.

Recently I discovered my journal from last year, and I've been dying to share a few of the entries I wrote. Just so you know, this journal was kept for a composition class assignment... because I don't really have patience for pencils and paper and such these days. Keyboards and insane typing speeds is where it's at.

Anyway, I found an entry from the same exact day last year, so I figured what better time would there be to post it? So yeah... here it is.

"This Thanksgiving, I am most thankful for having three days off of school. Weekends alone are too packed full of work to be able to make up sleep, and sleep is what I need most right now. I plan on using this time to sleep, eat, and study for the SAT. I also plan on finishing some books, writing, and learning how to play Black Ops on the X-Box. Without days off I wouldn't be able to do that, but rather be stuck sitting in class pretending to be awake. Luckily I've mastered sleeping with my eyes open, though, for the days when I don't have school off. 


Something I could do without would be the loads of homework I've been given. It seems many teachers don't seem to understand that they aren't allowed to teach for these days, and so in frustration they give extra work and packets to make sure we devote time to them anyway. It does give me something to do on Sunday night, though- plates full of paper, bowls of pencils, and a large backpack, stuffed with delicious time-consuming formulas and essays. An excellent recipe for a grade giving holiday."

I actually drew this on my journal. No lie.

So... looking back at that Thanksgiving entry... I can't say much has changed aside from me no longer worrying about the SAT. My teachers have given me pretty much the same workload this year, if not more, and I could use about seven days worth of sleep right now. It's a little disheartening how little life actually changes from year to year.

You know I'm beautiful when I'm sleep.

What didn't go exactly as planned was everything I'd wanted to do... of course. Well... okay that's a lie. I relaxed, and read, and wrote... but I didn't learn how to play Black Ops. It's my brother's game, and so he gave me the controller for a total three and a half seconds before I died and he told me I was horrible and should go do something I wouldn't suck at.

Being a stereotypical woman. Sue me. 

Story of my life.

Friday, November 18, 2011

We All Knew This Day Was Coming

The time has come for me to reveal my inner most obsession and throw a mini internet blog party about it. I probably should have prepared you for this day a bit better... but there's no turning back now.

I have a slight, possibly unhealthy obsession with my cats. I'm not going to lie, I scare myself a bit sometimes... but I just can't help it. They're just so gosh-darn fluffy.

I feel like sometimes there are just things that you don't reveal to people that you just met. If I'm trying to make a friend, I'm not going to start ranting and raving like a lunatic about how my cat started adorably doing things all over the house as I followed her aimlessly. I'm also not going to mention how gross my feet smell after I take my shoes off, or that I enjoy eating the sketchy-looking cooked vegetables they serve with the school lunches. They don't want to know that just yet. It's not until you know someone and they appreciate the fact that you are a bit unordinary that you can share with them your most inner oddities and fixations.

So, after all this time, I feel like I'm comfortable enough with you, my readers, to share a small portion of my madness... and the obscene amount of pictures and videos of my cats that are on my ipod. I also figure that since the internet has already been taken over by cat videos and pictures, I might as well add my own. I hope you'll still be able to love me after it has become blatantly obvious that I love my cats more than I could ever love a human being.

CANDY THE FLUFFALUFFAGUS


This is Candy. I'm pretty sure she's equally as obsessed with me as I am with cats. Candy likes to follow me around places, sleep, lick my face, chew on my homework and pencils, sleep, be held, be congratulated for finding random objects, burrow under blankets, sleep, purr, meow when I walk into a room, and make me feel bad when I don't hang around and pet her for an hour. She's pretty much the most adorable, pet-able cat on this planet who is scared of pretty much everyone else. 

She's about ten years old and fat.

Here is a video of candy being adorable and dutifully distracting me from my work:

video

BAMBA THE MISCHIEVOUS ONE


Bamba is probably the most bipolar cat I have ever encountered. Much of the time, she doesn't like to be touched. She knocks things over in the middle of the night, she meows until we wake up at 3am, she stares angrily outside of the window, and she sits on human chairs. The other side of her personality comes out when she's tired and decides that the best place to sleep is on somebody's lap. This, of course, is adorable. She stretches out along your legs and purrs when you pet her.

Bamba is about eight years old and looks like she just escaped from an insane asylum.

Here is a video of Bamba being troublesome:

video


Candy and Bamba only get along when they sleep, as seen here:

video

Now enjoy a hodge-podge of pictures of my two beautiful cats over the ages:

1. 
Bamba as a kitten, finding the ultimate comfort in the lap of a "giant" Pooh bear. Cue the awwws.

2. 
Candy tolerating Bamba for the first time. 

3. 
Mmmmm, that's the stuff.

4. 
New camera was purchased for the sole purpose of taking higher quality cat pictures. 

5. 
Bamba hugging herself. 

6. 
...You mean I wasn't supposed to touch the string...?

7. 
Candy is always suspicious of the environment. 

8. 
Damn, I tripped the wire. 

9. 
Candy is just too cool for smiling.

10. 
More getting along while they sleep.

11. 
This is my castle. If you aren't here to bow at my feet and beg for mercy, get out. 


I don't have a problem.

If you have any funny caption ideas for these pictures, please post them in the comments. <3

Friday, November 11, 2011

My Own Personal Horoscope- November

Honestly, I am sick and tired of my horoscope and its horrible analysis of how my day is going to be. It keeps telling me that my youngest child is going to get sick and that I am being deceived by my lover. Not only does it assume that I have a lover and children, but it also just has to tell me that I can't find an honest partner and that I can't keep my children healthy. Why does my horoscope hate me so much?



No longer shall I keep up with these falsehoods (this is a lie). No longer shall I wonder where my horoscope gets its information from. It has no credibility.

Now. I, on the other hand, have plenty of credibility. I know that I am not currently married. I know that I have not had any children. Most importantly, I know what's going to happen everyday, because the same goddamn thing happens every day.

So I am ignoring the horoscope on my ipod. I AM MAKING MY OWN. I will also be expanding it so that no matter what birthday you have you will be able to find your future for this month. The new, weird and completely off-balancing thirteenth symbol will not be included because I hate it. How do you even say Ophiucus? It just isn't natural. Anyway... enjoy.

THE G-FISH HOROSCOPE FOR NOVEMBER

Aries (March 21- April 19)
aka my sign

This will be a stressful month for you. You have a lot to get done, but not a lot of patience to do it. You will succumb easily to distractions which will often involve the internet and or cats. There will be a few fun nights this month, but enjoy them while you can because you are nowhere near the end of your large pile of work. Hang in there. Get some sleep. Eat some comfort food.

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Somebody is going to invade your comfort space this month. I can't tell you who, because I do not know you, but I'm getting these weird vibes. If before you weren't claustrophobic, this person is going to make you feel extremely uncomfortable. You will also come across some lost candy and not feel guilty while eating it. 

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

This month you should watch out for cracks on the sidewalk and black cats, because those old superstitions may just come true. Bad luck this month will curse you for the rest of the year. Aside from that, you will finish a major project this month and find time for yourself. There's nothing wrong with a bit of alone time to regroup and watch a Lifetime Movie marathon. 

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

You will throw out a lot of trash this month. Be it your white-trash, no good boyfriend (or girlfriend) or your literal garbage, it will no longer be in your life. Beware of vicious dogs, for I foresee a possible attack. The dog's size will have no correlation to its ferocity. In fact, I would be even more suspicious of the smaller dogs than the large ones. Don't eat the tuna-fish sandwich. 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

Don't give in to peer pressure. This month you will be under a lot of stress to do what your friends are doing, but use your better judgement. Be the better person and do what is right... unless they are telling you to do something awesome. Then it's okay. November will be full of ups and downs. One day you will be at your pinnacle of happiness and the next you will be dropping your breakfast on the floor, tripping over lizards, and being tackled by football players. I'd stay away from the gym if I were you. Bad things will happen if you go.

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

You will discover a treasure this month unlike anything you have ever seen. I don't mean a literal treasure like the kind buried by pirates, but something more realistic. Like money you left in that pair of pants you haven't worn in months. I suggest you use this money to buy your friends some cookies, because you are going to get into a fight with someone you know soon and you're going to want your friends to back you up. You can't go wrong with cookies.

Libra (September 23- October 22)

You will find a peculiar nickel this month. It looks like it could be worth more than five cents, but you will be too lazy to actually look up its value. What a shame. Instead you will end up losing the nickel and it will be found by someone else, who will also be too lazy to look up how much it is worth. Eventually your future spouse will be the one to pick up this nickel and turn it it for seven dollars, but you won't find out about that until you start going out and he/she tells you about this one time when he/she found said peculiar nickel, picked it up, and sold it for seven dollars.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Stick to wearing dark shirts this month, because your sweat stains are becoming more noticeable. Perhaps it is the stress of school work that taxes your pits and makes you more susceptible to embarrassment? I suggest you take it easy for a few days, snuggle up in a nice big blanket, and eat some popcorn while watching Disney movies. Make sure you brush your teeth, though, because if you don't I foresee an unfortunate incident in which you talk to someone you are crushing on whilst having a popcorn kernel stuck in between your teeth. This is just not turning out to be a good month for you hygienically. 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Worst centaur drawing ever.

Whatever you do, do not eat the yellow snow-cone. It is supposed to be lemon flavored, but the maker of the snow-cone has been eating some of that stuff that you are allergic to and has contaminated the snow-cone. Instead go for the cherry, it looks delicious. Also, you look tired. A quick expresso should brighten that lovely smile of yours and get you up and moving around. Just like preventing frostbite, you have to get the circulation and energy flowing. It may be a bit painful at first, but well worth it in the end, as you will be able to keep your limbs. You will also get the hiccups at one point.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

This month is going to be extremely odd. Not only will you discover that your pet secretly hoards its feces in a corner of your house, but you will also notice a ton of spiders all heading in one direction off the sidewalk and into the forest. While you may temporarily believe yourself to be in a similar situation to Harry Potter's in his second year at Hogwarts, you are not. In actuality, it is all just a random coincidence. Always wear denim on Wednesdays this month. It will bring you good luck. 

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

This month you will lose your voice. Whether it be from screaming at your sibling/parent or simply attaining the flu, you will not be able to speak for at least a day or two. I suggest eating plenty of chocolate bars, drinking orange juice, and putting on chap-stick every ten minutes. On another note, you will drop your things and everyone will stare at you while you pick them up awkwardly. 

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

Somebody with a panda obsession is going to hug you today, and you are going to like it. Also, you will hug somebody who needs one and it will make them feel better about themselves. This month is just packed full of hugs for you. Hell, I'd just hug myself right now if I were you. Go ahead, do it.... Did you? Because it'll bring you luck. If you didn't, you may get hit by a car. You'll live, but it'll take you half a year to fully recover. 



I don't want to toot my own horn or anything... but I think my fortune reading skills are damn incredible. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I don't JUST Over-dramatize...

For some strange reason, I never seem to be able to recall events just as they occurred. My brain can't physically (or metaphysically) wrap itself around the fact that my life is extremely boring. So, endlessly in denial, it sends me into a spiral of over-dramatization that can often get out of hand.

Allow me to demonstrate just how severe these mental hallucinations become:

I don't JUST write college essays...


I STRUGGLE TO CREATE THE SISTINE CHAPEL OF WRITING WHICH WILL BE WORTHY OF DECIDING MY FUTURE WHILE FENDING OFF THE DEMONS OF WRITER'S BLOCK WITH ONLY THE HELP OF A DULL PENCIL.


I don't JUST trip over rocks...


I SLAM MY TOE INTO A CHUNK OF DIAMONDS, BREAK MY FOOT OFF, COLLAPSE IN FRONT OF A FAST-MOVING TRUCK, AND NEARLY PASS OUT.


And I don't JUST over-dramatize...


I OVER-DRAMATIZE ABOUT OVER-DRAMATIZING... ABOUT OVER-DRAMATIZING.



The end.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Made Cookies

I made cookies with the most awesome person in the world yesterday.

Haters Gunna Hate

I ate the face first... because I'd hate for his brain to still be in tact while I severed his tail. Might as well take away the pain before eating the rest of him.

I don't really have much more to say about this experience, other than the cookies were delicious. And I drank from a cookie monster mug while eating these... because... I mean who wouldn't drink from a cookie monster mug while eating cookies if they had one? 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Mornings

This is a post about mornings. There will be many pictures.

To be honest, getting up every morning before the sun rises can get a bit depressing. I'm sure you didn't need me to tell you that, but I did. Clearly.

Anyway, there are endless coping methods and strategies for waking up at a designated time, but usually I stick to the same routine. It has worked fairly well so far, and I highly recommend it if you are having trouble finding the right amount of zest in your current getting-ready-for-things-ritual.

Phase 1: Waking up 2 minutes before the alarm clock

This phase takes time to fully master, but once you do, it really helps keep the morning morale hoppin'. There is no sound more torturous than that of a beeping alarm clock, so if you can wake up and stop it before it penetrates your eardrum and shrivels your brain into a pile of self-pitying dust... then do it.

Phase 2: Stretching


Stretch. Let the muscles in your arms and legs unwind like the good kind of twizzler that you can peel strands off of. You know, the kind you always eat first from your halloween candy bag because they are simply superior to the other, regular twizzlers.

Phase 3: Blindly Meander Around for a Short Time


This phase can be potentially dangerous. The squinting involved with stumbling around your room "blindly" can lead to some seriously stubbed toes or collisions with a wall, but your psyche needs those few minutes of uselessness. Give yourself some time to feel like a zombie whose grave was flooded with rain. Allow the self-pity to get out of your system. Use this moment to visit the toilet, or possibly change out of your pajamas. Beat your brain to the realization that changing would take you from the ultimate warmness and comfort of plaid pants to the rough chill of a stale pair of jeans.

And yes, I do realize that I am beginning to go into much more detail than I originally intended... but it's too late now. And the pictures are coming... so hang in there.

Phase 4: The Turning Point


Up to this point your morning has been far from extraordinary. You are wondering why I have told you to walk around lifelessly and wake up two minutes before you intended. But here comes the turning point, the part that is extremely crucial to the excitement of mornings. The ipod. Get one. Buy one. Steal one. Pick it up, put on a fast-paced spanish song you don't understand, and let the magic happen.


Everything you do from this point becomes enjoyable and accompanied by uncontrollable dancing. 

  

There are no more phases, other than to enjoy yourself. I tried drawing a few pictures of myself dancing while doing things... but in every single one I looked like I was trying to do the YMCA with arms that are simply too short for my body.

Songs that I love waking up to:
Danza Kuduro by Don Omar
Bon Bon (We No Speak Americano) by Pitbull
Anything by LMFAO

One last word of caution for using this technique: don't ever let this happen:


...ever.