Friday, October 5, 2012

I Have Needs

There's a fine line between needing something and wanting something. You need water. You need nutrients. You need sleep. For living purposes. An ipod? A cookie? A snow cone machine? Those are wants.

Now that we've established that basic principle, let me tell you about something I need.

A pegasus.

It's crucial to my survival.


What? You don't believe me? You think it's just something I want? Well, no. It's not. I need a pegasus.

Now let me tell you why:

1. Self-defense. I am a tiny person. My greatest method of protecting myself from oncoming dangers is flailing my arms and ducking behind other people. If I had a pegasus, nobody would even consider messing with my shit. I mean think about it. How intimidating would that be? A flying horse with a gorgeous mane whipping in the wind coming at you with a massive front kick of pure fury. Without such a method of self-defense, I will most definitely die. From stabs.

2. Quests: A lot of times I am given tasks that would be very difficult to accomplish without a pegasus. I mean, what if Poseidon asks me to retrieve something from a floating castle in the sky because he isn't allowed to leave his ocean realm to get it himself? I could imagine that Poseidon would be very angry if I failed him because of something stupid like not being able to get there. I would be killed for such silliness.

3. Sickness Prevention: Sometimes it rains and I don't have an umbrella. With a pegasus, I could turn to him and be all, yo help me out, bro. And BAM. Instant rain protection. Cause, you know... I could catch a cold... and die.

4. More Health Reasons: If I'm late to something important, running to make it in time can lead to many awful things happening. I could get overheated and die. I could run into someone and break my neck. I could trip from exhaustion and get run over by a landscaper on a lawnmower who was distracted from his current path of lawn mowing by a chubby squirrel falling out of a tree. Needless to say, if I had a pegasus take me to my destination, I would not only make it in time, but I wouldn't die.

5. Short People Problems: Let's get something straight here. I'm not short. I am, however, extremely average sized. This means I can't get things in tall places. What if I'm reaching for the extra towels I store on the top shelf and my five hundred pound trophy for being the most gangster blogger in the universe falls on me? I could die. With a pegasus... well I'd be able to reach the towel without pulling everything on the shelf down with it.

6. Friendship: This is a need. Come at me. Without friendship I would be super lonely and sad. Being sad can't be good for your health, and I'm 78% certain that it lowers your lifespan. So yeah. Having a pegasus friend would make me infinitely happy, and therefore I would never die.

7. FOR SCIENCE: This need isn't for me. It's for society. So little is known about pegasi in the scientific community, and I believe that a lot can be learned from them. It could help improve designs for air travel and save lives. If I had a pegasus, I wouldn't mind letting scientists study him for a few minutes every couple of weeks. I mean, my pegasus and I are going to be busy. I can't promise away all our time. We got things to do.

I am a woman and I have needs.

*I did not draw this pegasus. 

Unrelated side note: If you're wondering why the quality of my drawings has changed recently, it's because I don't really have a computer mouse anymore. Drawing is a bit more challenging with the mouse-pad.