Friday, October 5, 2012

I Have Needs

There's a fine line between needing something and wanting something. You need water. You need nutrients. You need sleep. For living purposes. An ipod? A cookie? A snow cone machine? Those are wants.

Now that we've established that basic principle, let me tell you about something I need.

A pegasus.

It's crucial to my survival.

...

What? You don't believe me? You think it's just something I want? Well, no. It's not. I need a pegasus.

Now let me tell you why:

1. Self-defense. I am a tiny person. My greatest method of protecting myself from oncoming dangers is flailing my arms and ducking behind other people. If I had a pegasus, nobody would even consider messing with my shit. I mean think about it. How intimidating would that be? A flying horse with a gorgeous mane whipping in the wind coming at you with a massive front kick of pure fury. Without such a method of self-defense, I will most definitely die. From stabs.

2. Quests: A lot of times I am given tasks that would be very difficult to accomplish without a pegasus. I mean, what if Poseidon asks me to retrieve something from a floating castle in the sky because he isn't allowed to leave his ocean realm to get it himself? I could imagine that Poseidon would be very angry if I failed him because of something stupid like not being able to get there. I would be killed for such silliness.

3. Sickness Prevention: Sometimes it rains and I don't have an umbrella. With a pegasus, I could turn to him and be all, yo help me out, bro. And BAM. Instant rain protection. Cause, you know... I could catch a cold... and die.

4. More Health Reasons: If I'm late to something important, running to make it in time can lead to many awful things happening. I could get overheated and die. I could run into someone and break my neck. I could trip from exhaustion and get run over by a landscaper on a lawnmower who was distracted from his current path of lawn mowing by a chubby squirrel falling out of a tree. Needless to say, if I had a pegasus take me to my destination, I would not only make it in time, but I wouldn't die.

5. Short People Problems: Let's get something straight here. I'm not short. I am, however, extremely average sized. This means I can't get things in tall places. What if I'm reaching for the extra towels I store on the top shelf and my five hundred pound trophy for being the most gangster blogger in the universe falls on me? I could die. With a pegasus... well I'd be able to reach the towel without pulling everything on the shelf down with it.

6. Friendship: This is a need. Come at me. Without friendship I would be super lonely and sad. Being sad can't be good for your health, and I'm 78% certain that it lowers your lifespan. So yeah. Having a pegasus friend would make me infinitely happy, and therefore I would never die.

7. FOR SCIENCE: This need isn't for me. It's for society. So little is known about pegasi in the scientific community, and I believe that a lot can be learned from them. It could help improve designs for air travel and save lives. If I had a pegasus, I wouldn't mind letting scientists study him for a few minutes every couple of weeks. I mean, my pegasus and I are going to be busy. I can't promise away all our time. We got things to do.

I am a woman and I have needs.

*I did not draw this pegasus. 

Unrelated side note: If you're wondering why the quality of my drawings has changed recently, it's because I don't really have a computer mouse anymore. Drawing is a bit more challenging with the mouse-pad. 

7 comments:

  1. At first I was like what the....?then I was like no wait...it is a need!
    Fine!I do not want a dragon anymore...I NEED one!!!End of story....anyone asks then I am going to show them this article...they will be convinced too!lol

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    1. Haha, don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't need a dragon. Dragons are crucial to survival, and in many ways even more crucial than pegasi. I mean they can breathe fire. What if you're out in the cold freezing to death and can't start your own fire? You could DIE without a dragon.

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    2. Yess!And who is going to cook up my frozen dinner at home if by chance nothing happens to work? Oh the agony of frozen dinner telling me to eat it and yet it be so cold..ahhh unbearable pain...my heart *falls to the ground dramatically*..yes I do need a dragon!

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  2. I always wonder about people who catch colds... why don't they just run a bit slower and let the cold go on ahead? :P

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  3. same goes here..
    i am man and i have needs~
    >.<~

    Regards,
    http://www.lonelyreload.com (A Growing Teenager Diary) ...

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