Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Best of Craisins

I get lonely at work sometimes...









But wait, there's more...










    





The Bucketlist (1-250)

I'm getting pretty tired of having no ambitions. Mediocrity has just consumed me so wholly that I've become content with reaching for the covers instead of the goals I once scribbled on that "Where will you be in ten years?" essay from 12th Grade English class.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I mean come on. Let's put some effort into this puppy of an existence. How old am I? Twenty? Pretty soon this pep in my step is going to get sucked into the quicksand of real life adulthood responsibilities. I'm not havin' it.

Time to do something. Time to think about what it truly means to be alive and to live the dream. THE DREAAAAAM.

I'm writing a bucket list. I say "writing" because I was dumb and made item #1 to make a bucket list with 1000 items and it's going to take forever. But I'm moving on with my life. Seizing the day, doing everything and anything that constitutes being alive.

Join me. Do these things too, make your own, help me out, or live vicariously through my adventures. Do what you want. You don't have to be on your deathbed to write a bucket list. Hell, I won't even call this a bucket list if you're so convinced that you need to have weeks to live for it to be legitimate. Call it a "Do This Now Because You're Alive" list. Yeah.

Note: Some of these items are near impossible to do now, but I'm including them because it's good to keep them in mind. I need to know what I'm working toward and that there are things I should be doing in order to fully live my life even as a full fledged adult.

I will update as I add more. My apologies if there are repeats, I started this list a long time ago and may have forgotten if I already added something. Please leave suggestions in the comments <3

ITEMS 1-250

1Write a bucketlist. With 100 things. NO 1000.
2Go to Iceland.

3Try it long distance with a foreign man for 1 week before calling it quits because it's too hard.
4Meet Brian Williams and ask him to adopt me.
5Give $100,000 to a charity. Jk make that $1,000,000 because this isn't amateur hour.
6Leave flowers at a graveyard.
7Feed pigeons in NYC
8Find and acquire socks with pictures of socks on them.
9Make my first child's middle name 'BrianWilliams'.
10Build a house of cards greater than 3 stories and then roundhouse kick it into oblivion.
11Own a jellyfish in a tank.
12Successfully mash two songs so it sounds good in my own opinion. At least 3 other people also have to say that it's not awful.
13Publish a book.
14Get a personalized license plate.
15Be an extra in an awful movie and make LITERALLY everyone watch it.
16Learn Chinese.
17Adopt a child. See #9.
18Own a bouncy castle and throw a tea party inside because let's face it it's never been done before.
19Swim in a pool that's also a wall.
20Go to Greece and pray to the only true gods.
21Buy my first niece or nephew a ballin' drivable kid car with flames on the side.
22See Cher in concert.

23Purchase the most intense cosplay I've ever seen and wear it to at least 7 unique locations. Laugh at the burden on my bank account.
24Go to a dog park with a cat on a leash. A leashed kid also works.
25Get shit faced at the Ren Fair.
26Watch all 8 Harry Potter movies nonstop one after the other all day err day leggo let's get it. Just kidding, one run through is enough.
27Learn a song on the banjo.
28Pretend to be Evanescence for a day. Quote the lyrics constantly. Everything is dramatic and deep.
29Paint something on canvas. Either sell it for $10+ or hang it in a semi-legitimate gallery.
30Skydiving, obv.
31Make my own LOL cat image using one of my own cats. Has to fain a decent amount of popularity on the internet.
32Sleep in one of those fancy European trains with beds.
33Own a hawk, falcon, owl, or other such bird of prey.
34Meet ZQ (Zachary Quinto). Dinner would also be nice, my treat. Just kidding, his treat. He has more money than I do.
35Climb Mt. Dew.
36Experience zero gravity.
37Get reading glasses that are far too trendy.
38Eat an entire birthday cake.
39Get something dry cleaned.
40Camp out overnight in a treehouse.
41Get a boating license aka become Captain Danielle.
42Dye my hair a funky color for one month then realize I've made a poor life choice when it begins to fade and dye it brown again.
43Go an entire week without taking off my onesie (except to shower).
44Hold a ferret.
45Have a squirrel or baby bird or bunny nestle in my hood and sneak it into a building.
46Rock some sequins.
47Win a trophy and put it on a high shelf.
48Eat ten willy wonka bars over the duration of the willy wonka movie. The old version, obviously.
49Staple myself to something.
50Wear colored contacts. Purple maybe.
51Frolick in a gnome sanctuary but be wary of Medusa because these gnomes are way too life-like
52Write a "would you rather?" book. Sell for $5.
53Throw something off the top of a ferris wheel. Maybe a feather, because I'd like to not kill anybody please.
54Play Dungeons and Dragons
55Wear a t-shirt with my own face on it
56Be the best at something and never tell anyone
57Get slapped in the face. It doesn't have to be on purpose but that makes it more interesting. It at least has to leave a hand shaped red mark.
58Conversely, slap someone so hard there's a handprint on their face. If I can't keep a straight face I have to do it again.
59Convince a small child that I am a faerie/wizard/elf/god. Get them to offer tribute to my infinite power.
60Design a corn maze
61Get a tattoo
62Surround self with so many bubbles that I can see literally nothing else
63Own a pet goldfish for more than a week before it dies. Eh, make it a month, I need higher standards
64Seduce a knight at the Ren fair. Conventions and halloween count too
65Beat Mario 64, goddamnit.
66Get a gang nickname to stick among my group of friends. Most preferrably 'Butterknives'
67Try out google glasses.
68Stroke a live bear. +5000 wishlist points if I get to ride it.
69Sleepwalk. I'll also count it if I fake sleepwalk and mess with some people.
70Pay a professional palm reader/ystic to read my future and/or past
71Find a medium and see what the dead have to say. +10 if I cry.
72Hang my high school diploma up in a future office.
73Crochet an adorable plush thing
74Drive a taxi
75Wear an all velcro suit and get stick to a wall. Bask in it.
76Learn ALL the words to Ice Ice Baby
77Win a scavenger hunt
78Host a photo scavenger hunt
79Sleep in a butterfly sanctuary.
80Rehabilitate an animal.
81Ride a roller coaster high.


-Six Flags Adventures
82Distill my own alcohol/wine
83Be in an ImprovEverywhere video
84Create a realistic portrait of an acquaintance (mild) using only gel pens
85Cook an entire chicken.
86Find Mt. Fiji. Not Fuji, Fiji.
87Wear three pairs of sunglasses to the beach. No shame no game.
88Go speed dating who knows
89Bail someone out of jail for a minor offense cause I don't have the kind of money for big league crime bail like maybe only if it was my sister or something.
90Jump off a moving train.
91Play piano in the middle of a street like Vanessa Carlton
92Get fireman-lifted out of a tree. +20 if I'm over the age of 85. Plus 92 points if I'm over the age of 92.
93Ride inside of a Trojan horse.
94Reinact Wicked with self, green face paint and all.
95Steal something worth more than $15.
96Get a sports jersey with my name on it because it'd be ironic or something.
97Attend a tea party with a bunny.
98Blow a smoke ring.
99Play 99 bottles of beer on the wall with 99 bottles of bear.
100Win over $100 from a scratchcard.
101Give a dalmation an additional spot.
102Beat a zelda game.
103Do a graffitti. Extra points if it's on a freight train.
104Float down a river in a basket like that one guy.
105Dress like Willy Wonka and hand out candies.
106Partake in office pranks.
107Prank call own mother.
108Find love.
109Write letters of appreciation to friends and family.
110Smash watermelon with a hammer.
111Spring shoes. There's no way that could be a bad idea.
112Break/sprain a foot/leg and reach the point when crutches are no longer ballin'
113Understand how clouds are made
114Drive somewhere without a destination in mind.
115Dress up as sexual Ben Franklin for halloween. THEM THIGHS MMMM.
116Actually understand how solar panels work.
117Learn what the words in Shakira's "Waka Waka" mean.
118Wear those shoes that help you walk on snow better but just look like tennis rackets tapes to your feet. Snow shoes?
119Get somebody to help complete/do some of the things (at least 20) of the things on this bucketlist.
120Fill an excel sheet with some kind of data and reach the bottom.
121Make a ridiculously easy item on this list and complete it before moving on to the next. Is this the item? Is it? Issssss it? No. No? Okay it was.
122Use a snorkel effectively.
123Count to 1000 out loud.
124Build a physical trojan horse and use it for its intended purpose. See #93.
125Watch Rent.
126See Lion King on Broadway, I hear it's the shit.
127Stand on the rood of the tallet building in a city.
128Be on Family Fued or some kind of semi-legitimate recreation of it.
129Throw a tomato at someone.
130Get a tomato thrown at me.
131Get slimed like on Nickolodeon- not sure if they do that anymore but do something like that.
132Shine a pair of shoes.
133Direct a plane/helicoptor to land.
134Fill every tile in the blank level of roller coaster tycoon 2
135Do one of those spinning jumps while ice skating. Bonus points if I don't die.
136Burn an effigy.
137Make a dream catcher for someone.
138Stalk a herd of buffalo.
139Make a sandwhich on a baby making shelf. Wait why.
140Cover an entire room with post-it notes.
141Bathe in moonlight. Naked.
142Decorate a cubicle to look like a tropical island. Yay vacation time... yay...
143Perch next to or on top of a gargoyle.
144Host/be on a semi-legitimate gameshow.
145Wear rollerblades and get pulled along by a car.
146Drink from a cup made of chocolate/candy and then bite into it like Willy Wonka.
147Write something in blood. Doesn't have to be my blood.
148Give blood.
149Make a castle out of toothpicks.
150Go to africa. SAFARI!!!
151Put a bowtie on a kitten. Bonus points if I don't die.
152Fall off a boat and don't die.
153Wear a bunch of ACE bandages and bandaides for the day even if I don't need them
154Blow a bubble bigger than my face.
155Make my own trail mix.
156Learn how to read palms and or tarot cards.
157Try LSD.
158Successfully execute a rain dance. If it doesn't rain it doesn't count.
159Dual someone with real swords.
160Use nun-chucks without injuring self.
161Ride a mail robot.
162Clean up a hoarder's house.
163Blanket burrito in an elevator.
164Eat at the top of the Pru.
165Get a hat with a penguin on it. (reference Matt Beam for the website)
166Own and/or wear a straight jacket.
167Be a pathological liar for the day.
168Set something on fire that I probably shouldn't set on fire.
169Juggernaut through a cubicle
170Teach a parrot a bad word. Haha classic.
171Zombie walk.
172Apply to be a Face Off model. +500 if chosen.
173Learn to juggle.
174Ride a unicycle. (Attempt and at least give a decent effort)
175Buy an ocelot.
176Peacock feather headdress. Wear it.
177Fruit basket head piece.
178Go off the grid for a month.
179Apply to be on cupcake wars or a similar such food/tv reality battle.
180Make a figurine of self and put on top of a cake- wedding style.
181Build a replica of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory out of legos. It's ok if it sucks.
182Light a room with fireflies in jars.
183Take a bath with candles and incense and shit.
184Jump or "fall" in a mall fountain.
185Stay at a mildly sketchy an/or haunted Bed and Breakfast.
186Sell my old pokemon cards for a decent price hopefully
187Ride a donkey.mule along Grand Canyon.
188Enter a film festival competition. No, I do not need to win anything.
189Own a fog machine.
190Take a siesta under my office desk.
191Communicate with the people below me via window.
192Marshmallow gun.
193Follow a leaf around for an hour in the fall.
194Pottery class Ghost moment. Watch Ghost first.
195Weild a flamethrower.
196Hold >100 helium balloons.
197Name a star.
198Walk along the Nazca lines
199Give a $200 giftcard to someone who really deserves it.
200Adopt an animal from a shelter
201Make home into cat paradise with ceiling/wall walkways EVERYWHERE.
202Successfully barcode scan seld and see how much I'm worth to the system.
203Drink rum on a boat. ARGH.
204Snowball fight in the summer.
205Become the matchmaker from Mulan.
206Cover entire body (visible) in bandaides.
207Remember that this isn't amateur hour while half-assing an item on the list.
208Use glow in the dark chalk.
209Reach the North Pole and break down in disappointment when my fears that Christmas isn't real are confirmed.
210Bubble wrap suit of armor, obv.
211Enter or exit own home through second story window.
212Be the top of a pyramid.
213Finish a jawbreaker.
214Try out dreadlocks.
215Make noodles from scratch.
216Find/wear those crazy Effie eyelashes fro the Hunger Games
217Jump through a flaming hoop.
218Hoola-hoop with ten hoola-hoops at once.
219A capella with whistling. It's going to be a disaster... but also a beautiful, life changing experience.
220Draw the mona lisa on snapchat.
221Find out who 2 Chainz really is.
222Soak in hot springs. +5000 if it's in Japan.
223Drive a mini children's car. ANARCHY. See #22
224Make pot brownies and eat them too.
225Try out glass blowing
226Solve a murder mystery
227Drink Four loko
228Build a clock
229Play a game of Backamin
230Sit on a tortoise. +300 if it brings me somewhere.
231Toot a song on a recorder to a snake. Be as charming as possible.
232Knit in a rocking chair.
233Double dutch semi-successfully.
234Do a bar crawl.
235Dinner, movie, bottle of wine with myself.
236Pregame for work.
237Eat a rainbow M&M. I don't know, just make it happen.
238Ask a stranger to a FANCY BALL.
239Try ziplining.
240Make a stained glass mosaic thing.
241Eat a froyo with EVERYTHING ON IT. +50 if I utilize all froyo flavors available. Enjoy that chilly hot mess.
242Shoot a gun.
243Go paintballing.
244Do one of those dace competitions where you dance until you pass out or are the last one standing.
245Find someplace where the floor is actually lava. AKA hike a volcano.
246Join a band and play the tamborine.
247Throw a Kesha party. Take a picture with all the beards present.
248Ride on the back of a motorcycle.
249Ride in one of those bitchin motorcycle side cars like in the Aristocats.
250Include my cats in my will. 


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Gourds

It's that time of year again.


I am absolutely enamored with gourds. They are fabulous. 

Just think about it. Is there any other creation on this earth so diverse? So beautiful and ugly and colorful and bendy? Gourds represent the utopian mindset of tolerance that we have been striving to reach in the world ever since racism and stereotyping and segregation first spewed forth from the first caveman's developing cognitive ability to hate. 

You can put ten thousand gourds in a giant basket and not a single one will find its identical twin. Can you say the same about humans? No. The statistic for identical twins is 3.5 out of every 1000 people (twinstwice.com). 

You can put ten thousand gourds in a giant basket and not a single one will complain about his neighbor's warts touching him. He will not complain about his neighbor's bumps or bruises or unusual rotundness. The gourds embrace these anomalies. They understand the beauty behind each other's textures. 

I love gourds. 

My goal this Fall is to collect one hundred gourds and pumpkins and there is nothing that will stop me from completing this goal aside from maybe running out of space, in which case I will juggle indefinitely. 


Gourd Count: 2/100

Gourd donations welcome.