Sunday, August 7, 2011

I just want to suck your blood... no biggie.

Well. How do I go about this, exactly? I guess I'll just have to jump right into it.

Vampires. My God how they confuse my sensitive, easily corruptible feelings. At one point in my life, vampires fascinated me. Like all other mythical creatures, I was drawn to their mystery, to their dark yet secretly lonely nature. But now... the very word vampire disgusts me. I can't even think it without the corners of my lips dropping, right eyebrow twitching with annoyance and nose scrunching, like I'm snarling at an inanimate object and getting continuously annoyed by the fact that it isn't becoming frightened.

But how. How could my perceptions go from such adoration to complete abhoration in such a short period of my adolescent years? To tell you the truth I think it was a combination of overexposure and Robert Pattinson's face. Now, now, to all of you obsessive Edward fangirls, there's no need to bring out your shotguns just yet. It's not like I'm going to stalk Robert P on the street and stab him for contributing to my hatred of vampires. I'm just going to verbally abuse him. And this is the internet. So you can't find me. Unless you are super hackers who know how to do that sort of thing and have way to much time on your hands. Then you can go ahead and shoot me, but I'll die happy, knowing that I have boss computer geniuses following my blog. SO HA! YOU CAN'T WIN.

Ahem. Moving on. Robert P just did not work as a proper portrayal of a sexy vampire. In fact, he took all of the carefully constructed, beautifully gorgeous vampires of my imagination and ran them over with a truck, with no Edward Cullen there to stop it. Because he was under the front tire. Dead. I don't understand why some girls find him good looking. Okay, maybe as Cedric Diggory he was "cute," but with painted abs, deteriorated white wall paper skin, and a failed chemistry with Kristen Stewart, it was just a whole lot of ugly. So yeah. Thanks, Robert, for the countless times your face has slithered its way into my thoughts as I've tried to picture a completely unrelated, sexy fictional bloodsucker.

Now, of course Robert isn't the only culprit in the case of my vampire enthusiasm deflation. The media and other Young Adult fiction writers have seriously overexposed vampires as a fantasy race, taking away from their dignity and secrecy. There's a bit of fun in leaving a bit of feed for the imagination. I'm sick of going into bookstores, strolling down to my favorite fiction section, and finding row upon row suffocated with vampire novels. There are vampires in school books, vampires on vacation books, and even vampires gone on a  shopping trip books. I don't need to read about the vampire romance that occurred during a family fishing trip, nor do I care about the angst of a vampire's first swirly. My God. Are authors these days so dry of new material that all they can think of is vampires? I'D HONESTLY RATHER READ 100 PAGES ABOUT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.

And another thing, I'm no hipster, but it's extremely annoying when something that used to be cool gets blown up in the media and taken over by screaming thirteen year olds. The old fashioned, onion fearing, night dwelling vampires we all used to know were at one point cool. But now that little girls and soccer moms are going crazy over vampires, it's no longer safe for us cool, 17 year old kids to be seen reading a vampire book or watching a vampire movie. Where's the justice in that?

Unfortunately, I doubt this whole vampire fiasco will wither away before I'm fifty. All I can hope for is that by the time I have kids, they will not know the face of Robert Pattinson as the face of all vampires, and that they will be able to enjoy the hotness of vampires as they are. Or were.

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