Thursday, August 11, 2011

#71,879 Fool

I wish I had a cooler addiction. Something like, an addiction to adrenaline rushes or exotic foods. A cool addiction would lead me to awesome places in the world, and to new experiences and adventures.

But no. Apparently the cards shuffled their way into dealing me an addiction to ipod Solitaire. That's right. I have no control over this intense, burning desire to constantly sort cards from least to greatest. It overpowers my sense of logic and duty. Truthfully it's becoming a bit of a problem. Instead of watching a movie with my brother, I play Solitaire. Instead of doing my summer homework, I play Solitaire. Instead of sleeping, I play Solitaire. It's come to the point where without even consciously making the decision to play, my fingers have already found their way to the Solitaire app on my ipod.

But, just like any other addiction, I've found ways to excuse my destructive behavior. Instead of feeling alone and antisocial while playing Solitaire, I've switched to the multiplayer mode, which uses the internet to put me up against someone else in a race. Therefore, I can claim that my opponent is committing just as heinous a crime as I am by avoiding life through virtual cards. I also use the multiplayer mode to allow myself to continue playing even when I've clearly had enough. There is a ranking attached to the multiplayer mode of Solitaire, one that you can only improve through constantly playing and constantly winning. Every night I play that extra game, those two extra games, those twenty extra games because I know it will better my ranking.

Currently, I am ranked #71,879. Now, before you start thinking, wow, this chick sucks, I would like to point out that #71,879 is in the top 5% of all ipod touch/iphone Solitaire players. IN THE WORLD. That's right. The top 5%. And every day I decrease that number by about two or three thousand, meaning that in roughly 28.8 days I WILL BE NUMBER ONE. BAHAHAHAHAHA.

So yes. It's an addiction, but it's also an extreme desire to win. Somehow I've channeled all of my competitive energy into this little game of cards, and you know what? It's done wonders to how I act around other people. Because of Solitaire I am a better person. Yeah. So it's okay to play it. All the time.

Right now my shortest winning time is 59 seconds. I'd like you to take a moment and soak that up. Less than a minute to sort 52 cards into their respective suits. Solitaire is one of the few things I will admit I am superior in, and I must claim this superiority by being #1. And when I do.... well, when I do there will be CAKE. AND ICE-CREAM AND CONFETTI AND RAVE MUSIC. And I will be able to die happy.

My name is goldfish, and I am addicted to Solitaire.


  1. I am now going to play a game of solitaire. No really, I am.

  2. Sadly, I must admit to this same addiction... however, I don't have the excuse of playing online. WhenI'm bored, I open solitaire on my comp. In class and the prof gets boring? Open it up. Want my mom to think I'm doing homework? Open! Yes, I have an addiction. And I'm okay with that. ;P