I Will Fail This Goal But I'll Try

I've made an executive decision to give up Facebook for the week. This will probably last about as long as my promises to write consistant blog posts.

Facebook is making me upset. It's not the layout or the features or anything, but the people. I miss my friends from college, and I'm way too lazy to reconnect with all of my buds from high school. Well, too lazy to reconnect with the ones who forget to invite me to reunion-y activities. So where does this leave me? At home. On Facebook. Living vicariously through the social gatherings of other people.

There is a constant tsunami of cutesy summer-esc photos swallowing my newsfeed and pulling it into the depths of Poseidon's domain. Sure, I'm posting pictures of my own adventures. I'm hanging with my best friends from home and enjoying the break. That doesn't make me any less upset.

Why should I be forced to page through someone else's summer vacation photos and see all the cool stuff I've never done? Half these photos don't even belong to people I care about. Yeah, so my friend from a summer program I went to two years ago had a blast in Hawaii. Good for her. Oh, and then I get to the photos of my good friends. These photos are more interesting, but upset me even more because I'm not with them for the photos and I miss their faces. Well... I see their faces... but I miss being included in the fun times.

So I'm not going to go on Facebook this week. I'm going to concentrate on having fun with the people who I'm with, rather than sulking over missing adventures with those who I'm not with. This will also probably free up a considerable amount of time that I could use doing other things, like crafts and biking.

Haha, the outside.

How to Effectively Destroy Your Ambitions

Step 1: Apply adhesive to body and face. Lay on bed. Stay.

Step 2: Do not change clothing. Ever.

Step 3: When your body requires the release of fluid and the intake of sustenance, remain hunched and squinty-eyed as you venture from your room.

Step 4: Keep all electrical necessities (aka computer, ipod, phone, etc.) plugged in and near said bed.

Step 5: Never open the curtains. Just don't. Sunlight is toxic and unfriendly and gross.

Step 6: Avoid talking to friends, acquaintances, and family members if possible. They will only remind you that ambitions exist and that you do not have them.

Never Forget

Never Forget

An original poem by Gfish

Based on a true story

I went to the bathroom

To take a dump,

My phone in my pocket,

A sturdy lump.

But it was not secure,

And it fell with a plop.

My heart skipped a beat,

My stomach did a drop.

I thought it’d be okay,

That I could get it out,

When the automatic flush

Sent it whirling about.

Down the pipe

It did disappear.

The empty bowl

Confirming my fear.

Gone

Right before my eyes

Now down in the sewer,

It cries.

Never Forget. 

Care Packages

My mom sent me a pegasus. And a unicorn. She is officially the coolest. 

Getting a package in college can transform a crappy day it into a good day; it can take an average day and turn it into an excellent day; it can turn a good day into the grandest hula-pa-wowza fiesta of days that you will think back to three days from then just to remember how great it was. I'm not sure what kind of day would birth from an already excellent day. My guess is that the universe would collapse in on itself, leaving only a giant gas-based mass of jubilation. You would also probably lose all feeling in your toes. Speculation, of course.

In my time at college, I've gotten a decent amount of care packages. Most come from my mom, but I've also gotten one from my aunt and sister. I'm not going to lie, my favorite part about getting a care package is the food. Sure, I am fully capable of buying my own food from the grocery store. Food just tends to be less special when you have to go out and buy it yourself. Food from a package, however, is like a magical apparition of everything you were just craving, without knowing you were craving it. You don't feel bad about eating everything that day because hey, it's not like you bought that food to eat for later. It's yours for right now. Or whenever you want. All yours, and nobody else's. Mwa haha.

Getting a care package grants you instant bragging rights. You can walk through the common room with your neat little box and everyone's curious and openly hoping it's something you're going to share. Odds are you will share some, but it's still yours. You have someone elsewhere who is sending you things and not sending your friends things and that makes you better than them for the moment. You have the power now, and if those vultures want your precious, delicious food (because we all know it's mostly candy), they're going to have to accept that. Cue the additional mwa ha has.

I have sent a few care packages in my day, mostly to my sister, and it's pretty exciting. You can add cute little notes and colorful fillers and decorate it however you want. Then you wait for a while and forget you sent it before you finally get an excited phone call or text a few days later. The phone call is always the best because it's usually right after they've opened the package and so they're at their happiest.

Anyway, I guess this post doesn't really have a point. I just get really excited by care packages.

If you know someone who lives really far away or who you haven't seen in a while, why not send them a package? It'll make their day and when they let you know they got it you'll be able to reconnect.

Some package tips from the gfish:

-Add a note. Food is wonderful and all, but a note makes it a bit more personal.
-Food can be personal too. Find out what makes their mouth water and just shove as much of it as physically possible into that box. Like seriously. As much as you can without pulling your back out.
-Guilty pleasure foods are nice. Food they'd feel bad buying at the grocery store because it's unhealthy or unnecessary for their daily diet.
-I usually add a poem or drawing.
-Inside jokes. I don't know you. I don't know your jokes. But I'm sure someone does.
-Filler candy for munching on while looking at the other things.
-Anything nostalgia-based.

You don't have to spend a lot of money to send a heartfelt package. The excitement of getting that notification that you have something is often enough all on it's own. Just don't go around sending empty packages... because that's not what I meant. People could get upset. Now stop twisting my words, damnit!

I Have Needs

There's a fine line between needing something and wanting something. You need water. You need nutrients. You need sleep. For living purposes. An ipod? A cookie? A snow cone machine? Those are wants.

Now that we've established that basic principle, let me tell you about something I need.

A pegasus.

It's crucial to my survival.

...

What? You don't believe me? You think it's just something I want? Well, no. It's not. I need a pegasus.

Now let me tell you why:

1. Self-defense. I am a tiny person. My greatest method of protecting myself from oncoming dangers is flailing my arms and ducking behind other people. If I had a pegasus, nobody would even consider messing with my shit. I mean think about it. How intimidating would that be? A flying horse with a gorgeous mane whipping in the wind coming at you with a massive front kick of pure fury. Without such a method of self-defense, I will most definitely die. From stabs.

2. Quests: A lot of times I am given tasks that would be very difficult to accomplish without a pegasus. I mean, what if Poseidon asks me to retrieve something from a floating castle in the sky because he isn't allowed to leave his ocean realm to get it himself? I could imagine that Poseidon would be very angry if I failed him because of something stupid like not being able to get there. I would be killed for such silliness.

3. Sickness Prevention: Sometimes it rains and I don't have an umbrella. With a pegasus, I could turn to him and be all, yo help me out, bro. And BAM. Instant rain protection. Cause, you know... I could catch a cold... and die.

4. More Health Reasons: If I'm late to something important, running to make it in time can lead to many awful things happening. I could get overheated and die. I could run into someone and break my neck. I could trip from exhaustion and get run over by a landscaper on a lawnmower who was distracted from his current path of lawn mowing by a chubby squirrel falling out of a tree. Needless to say, if I had a pegasus take me to my destination, I would not only make it in time, but I wouldn't die.

5. Short People Problems: Let's get something straight here. I'm not short. I am, however, extremely average sized. This means I can't get things in tall places. What if I'm reaching for the extra towels I store on the top shelf and my five hundred pound trophy for being the most gangster blogger in the universe falls on me? I could die. With a pegasus... well I'd be able to reach the towel without pulling everything on the shelf down with it.

6. Friendship: This is a need. Come at me. Without friendship I would be super lonely and sad. Being sad can't be good for your health, and I'm 78% certain that it lowers your lifespan. So yeah. Having a pegasus friend would make me infinitely happy, and therefore I would never die.

7. FOR SCIENCE: This need isn't for me. It's for society. So little is known about pegasi in the scientific community, and I believe that a lot can be learned from them. It could help improve designs for air travel and save lives. If I had a pegasus, I wouldn't mind letting scientists study him for a few minutes every couple of weeks. I mean, my pegasus and I are going to be busy. I can't promise away all our time. We got things to do.

I am a woman and I have needs.

*I did not draw this pegasus. 

Unrelated side note: If you're wondering why the quality of my drawings has changed recently, it's because I don't really have a computer mouse anymore. Drawing is a bit more challenging with the mouse-pad. 

Sunglasses

Sometimes sunglasses make me feel like I'm super hot stuff. Like I've got better things to do than make eye contact with people.

Most of the time, however, sunglasses make me feel invisible.

When I walk past people I know when wearing sunglasses, they don't seem to notice me. Sure, maybe if it only happened once or twice I'd just figure that the people I passed were zoned out or didn't see me... but it's become a consistent trend. Every time I wear sunglasses, the majority of friends that I pass completely look past my existence and keep on walking unless I use unnecessary arm flails to flag down their attention.

It's making me paranoid. What about wearing sunglasses makes me look so different? Is it the change in my appearance that creates the barrier of invisibility? Or maybe people actually can't see me. What if... and this may be a bit of a stretch... but what if putting on sunglasses really does turn me invisible?

It's possible, right?

I refuse to believe that people simply do not wave hello to me just because they see I'm wearing sunglasses, and it's just plain weird that putting on sunglasses could make me that unrecognizable. Therefore, the only other logical explanation would be that my sunglasses have the ability to eliminate me from my peers' field of vision.

Yeah, ok. Unrealistic explanation. But still, it's a weird phenomenon and I don't like it. For now I guess I'll just stick to excessive squinting in bright sunlight so as to not confuse people.

True Story

Um... that turned out... uhhhh. Rage. Okay. That was a lot funnier in my head. I swear. 

Anyway... that was my summer, give or take a few minor details. Getting out of that situation was a bit trickier than getting into it... but you know how it is. Give the Zombie Reaper Overlord a few hundred Lucky Charm marshmallows and he'll help you out of any pickle. 

Sometimes stuff happens in life that you can never see coming. Everything you thought your day, your week, your summer was going to be ends up completely different. It may be disastrous.. or it could be absolutely amazing. I guess in my case you could say it was a bit of both.

Also, just so you know, I fully expect to be addressed as GFISH, KNIGHT OF POSEIDON'S FISHY KINGDOM from now on.