Wednesday, July 27, 2011

To My Dear, Dear Follower

It's official. I have a follower. For some reason I feel an intense desire to order custom made gang robes. Correction... robe. Therefore when my follower walks around in the street, people will know who they follow. People will know.

Well... I haven't really got much to say. Which, coming from my mouth/fingers, means I've actually got plenty to fill a page with. My Dear, Dear Follower. You are the first. Therefore I adore you. Okay, so to be honest I know who you are. And probably pressured you into becoming a follower simply because I was feeling needy... but hey. I have a follower. (inserts evil grin). Anyway. It's all cool. Once I become ultra famous you'll be like... ohmygosh. I was here before the mad rushes of screaming fanboys and adoring academics admiring my writing. And you'll feel special all because I forced you into following me.

You see the kind of lies my brain feeds me late in the night?

I wonder how Lord Voldemort got so many followers. Did people really like what he stood for or did he just scare so much shit out of them they crumbled from lack of bodily volume? For some reason my mind has shifted into thinking about how to threaten online users into following me... but all I can think of is... robes.

Maybe I can just offer virtual/imaginary robes as a reward of extreme devotion. Let's see... what would it look like. I'm thinking a navy blue robe with a boss hood and hidden pockets on the inside, because hidden pockets make everything better. Trust me. If you are female and haven't had the most pleasurable experience of pulling something meaningless from a hidden pocket... go do so now. Like.. right now. Steal a jacket from your man, your friend's man, your sister's man, your dream man. Any man. Stick your hand in his hidden pocket. Offer whoever is sitting next to you that previously invisible pencil, eraser, rubber band. Do it.

The robe* of my follower will have hidden pockets. And be blue. And look totally badass. I would also like it to include a tie. I don't know why, but I find ties hot. This tie will have black and white polka dots. It will be expected that my follower shall carry around a Trident as well. Why? Because I said so.

*I am not responsible for any arrests made due to the sketchiness of these robes.


  1. I am a loyal follower now because of the promise of a virtual robe with hidden pockets that will make me look totally badass.