Horoscope- April 2012

I realized that if you were to come to this blog searching for a scarily accurate portrayal of your future, you'd realize that my November horoscope is a bit outdated. Clearly different things happen every month. So without much further ado, I present my updated monthly horoscope for April 2012.

THE G-FISH HOROSCOPE FOR APRIL

Aries (March 21- April 19)

aka my sign

April will be pretty chill. You'll be hit with a bit of Spring time allergies, so keep that tissue box close by. Make sure you get the nice ones that are soft and comforting. You can never spoil your nose too much, especially when it's going through such a hard time. If you come across a bit of money this month, don't get your hopes up too high. You'll spend it on something useless and then regret it later. 

Also, happy birthday. Or happy belated birthday. Or not. You could be a Taurus. Ew.  

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Somebody has wronged you. They've stolen your fancy granola bar and taken a bite of it. God, their nasty germs are going to get all over your perfect mid-day snack. Annihilate the little weasel. Stuff him/her into a toaster.  Then sink that toaster in the Pacific to show the snack thief the true meaning of "You'll be swimmin' with the fishes." Except these fishes aren't going to be nice and tasty like Goldfish or Sweedish fish. No. They'll be sharks. Sharks that enjoy eating good-for-nothing scalawags and excreting them into the deepest darkest pits of the ocean where they'll never see the light of day again but may instead be eaten by a Kraken. 

Also happy birthday if it happens to be this month :]

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

I get the feeling you are going to go see Titanic 3D this month. Not just because it's coming out on April 4th (save the date!) and you're bored, but because you are a legitimate, die hard titanic fan. Not the actual event, of course, but the movie. Unless you really do like it when giant boats crash and kill hundreds of people. Then I've just gone and read you completely wrong.  

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

If you survived November's ferocious dog attack, I'm sorry to say you aren't going to have much luck this month in the animal department. This time it'll be a cat... or possible a duck. It's hard to tell the difference when looking for these things in the stars. Cats and ducks often look pretty similar in the mess up there. Actually... everything looks really similar. Don't eat the mozzarella sticks. 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

For some reason the stars are foreseeing a baby in your future. You might be pregnant. Don't panic. Take deep breaths. Eee-hooo, eee-hoo. This fortune has several interpretations. You could a) actually be pregnant, b) have a friend/relative who is pregnant, c) have a food baby, or d) see a baby in the park. I'd say the majority of those pose no real need to freak out. 

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Something really gangster is going to happen this month. I'm predicting it has to do with proving your street cred to a bunch of no good children. Show them who's boss, home skillet. Crack a frying pan, mad dog. Pop a keyboard and slap a few jams, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cause I'm not entirely sure what I just said. 

Libra (September 23- October 22)

You're going to see a flower on the side of the road. It'll be an extremely peculiar flower, with all sorts of pretty colors and such. However, do to your laziness and the fact that your car is going quite fast, you won't stop to pick it up. Hell, why would you stop to pick it up? It's just a dumb flower. Why risk getting run over, bitten by ticks, and eventually pricked by thorns just to put the dumb flower in a vase? 

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Bitches be trippin'. I sense cat fights in your future. Not literal cats. Literal cats will actually be quite fluffy and cute around you this month. But there's going to be a lot of claws and hissing. It's going to be about something ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of life, like prom or a group project. If you're a guy, keep your head low. Maybe carry around a bottle full of air you can spray into girls' faces if things get too heated. Air spritzes work surprisingly well when it comes to scaring off felines and changing the subject. Unfortunately the subject will quickly turn to: "Why are you spraying me with aaaiiiiirrrrruh." 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

Worst centaur drawing ever.

Something's wrong with your pronunciation this month. People will keep correcting you on words you've said correctly your whole life. Like water. You'll keep saying the word water wrong. It'll leave you thinking... "What's wrong with me?" Don't stress, though. You've just got a serious case of accent confusion. Quit it with the foreign movies and things will get better. 

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

This is your month for romance. Take a chance. Step outside your comfort zone. You're 7.53 times more likely to succeed if you go for it this month. I promise. In other news, your pizza is going to have one piece of a topping you didn't order. Suspicious. Deciding whether or not you should eat it anyway is going to be the second third biggest decision you'll make all month. 

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Make sure to keep your phone on you at all times this month. If you don't, someone is going to pick it up, open it, look at a text you've just received, and read something that will make everyone feel uncomfortable. Especially you. Also don't worry about that stain you're going to get on your favorite shirt. It'll come out with a bit of magic, praying, and stain remover. 

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

Given that you hugged yourself when I told you to last November and didn't get hit by a car... this month will be alright for you. You'll take a lot of pictures. This is always fun, because pictures can be a blast to look through after you take them, just don't be obnoxious about it. If you're going to take creeper pics of people, make sure you're discreet. You don't want to annoy everyone by constantly making them feel like they've got to look presentable. Stick to catching them off guard and then not telling them you even took a picture until a few days later when it shows up on facebook.

My Own Personal Horoscope- November

Honestly, I am sick and tired of my horoscope and its horrible analysis of how my day is going to be. It keeps telling me that my youngest child is going to get sick and that I am being deceived by my lover. Not only does it assume that I have a lover and children, but it also just has to tell me that I can't find an honest partner and that I can't keep my children healthy. Why does my horoscope hate me so much?

No longer shall I keep up with these falsehoods (this is a lie). No longer shall I wonder where my horoscope gets its information from. It has no credibility.

Now. I, on the other hand, have plenty of credibility. I know that I am not currently married. I know that I have not had any children. Most importantly, I know what's going to happen everyday, because the same goddamn thing happens every day.

So I am ignoring the horoscope on my ipod. I AM MAKING MY OWN. I will also be expanding it so that no matter what birthday you have you will be able to find your future for this month. The new, weird and completely off-balancing thirteenth symbol will not be included because I hate it. How do you even say Ophiucus? It just isn't natural. Anyway... enjoy.

THE G-FISH HOROSCOPE FOR NOVEMBER

Aries (March 21- April 19)

aka my sign

This will be a stressful month for you. You have a lot to get done, but not a lot of patience to do it. You will succumb easily to distractions which will often involve the internet and or cats. There will be a few fun nights this month, but enjoy them while you can because you are nowhere near the end of your large pile of work. Hang in there. Get some sleep. Eat some comfort food.

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Somebody is going to invade your comfort space this month. I can't tell you who, because I do not know you, but I'm getting these weird vibes. If before you weren't claustrophobic, this person is going to make you feel extremely uncomfortable. You will also come across some lost candy and not feel guilty while eating it. 

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

This month you should watch out for cracks on the sidewalk and black cats, because those old superstitions may just come true. Bad luck this month will curse you for the rest of the year. Aside from that, you will finish a major project this month and find time for yourself. There's nothing wrong with a bit of alone time to regroup and watch a Lifetime Movie marathon. 

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

You will throw out a lot of trash this month. Be it your white-trash, no good boyfriend (or girlfriend) or your literal garbage, it will no longer be in your life. Beware of vicious dogs, for I foresee a possible attack. The dog's size will have no correlation to its ferocity. In fact, I would be even more suspicious of the smaller dogs than the large ones. Don't eat the tuna-fish sandwich. 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

Don't give in to peer pressure. This month you will be under a lot of stress to do what your friends are doing, but use your better judgement. Be the better person and do what is right... unless they are telling you to do something awesome. Then it's okay. November will be full of ups and downs. One day you will be at your pinnacle of happiness and the next you will be dropping your breakfast on the floor, tripping over lizards, and being tackled by football players. I'd stay away from the gym if I were you. Bad things will happen if you go.

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

You will discover a treasure this month unlike anything you have ever seen. I don't mean a literal treasure like the kind buried by pirates, but something more realistic. Like money you left in that pair of pants you haven't worn in months. I suggest you use this money to buy your friends some cookies, because you are going to get into a fight with someone you know soon and you're going to want your friends to back you up. You can't go wrong with cookies.

Libra (September 23- October 22)

You will find a peculiar nickel this month. It looks like it could be worth more than five cents, but you will be too lazy to actually look up its value. What a shame. Instead you will end up losing the nickel and it will be found by someone else, who will also be too lazy to look up how much it is worth. Eventually your future spouse will be the one to pick up this nickel and turn it it for seven dollars, but you won't find out about that until you start going out and he/she tells you about this one time when he/she found said peculiar nickel, picked it up, and sold it for seven dollars.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Stick to wearing dark shirts this month, because your sweat stains are becoming more noticeable. Perhaps it is the stress of school work that taxes your pits and makes you more susceptible to embarrassment? I suggest you take it easy for a few days, snuggle up in a nice big blanket, and eat some popcorn while watching Disney movies. Make sure you brush your teeth, though, because if you don't I foresee an unfortunate incident in which you talk to someone you are crushing on whilst having a popcorn kernel stuck in between your teeth. This is just not turning out to be a good month for you hygienically. 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

Worst centaur drawing ever.

Whatever you do, do not eat the yellow snow-cone. It is supposed to be lemon flavored, but the maker of the snow-cone has been eating some of that stuff that you are allergic to and has contaminated the snow-cone. Instead go for the cherry, it looks delicious. Also, you look tired. A quick expresso should brighten that lovely smile of yours and get you up and moving around. Just like preventing frostbite, you have to get the circulation and energy flowing. It may be a bit painful at first, but well worth it in the end, as you will be able to keep your limbs. You will also get the hiccups at one point.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

This month is going to be extremely odd. Not only will you discover that your pet secretly hoards its feces in a corner of your house, but you will also notice a ton of spiders all heading in one direction off the sidewalk and into the forest. While you may temporarily believe yourself to be in a similar situation to Harry Potter's in his second year at Hogwarts, you are not. In actuality, it is all just a random coincidence. Always wear denim on Wednesdays this month. It will bring you good luck. 

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

This month you will lose your voice. Whether it be from screaming at your sibling/parent or simply attaining the flu, you will not be able to speak for at least a day or two. I suggest eating plenty of chocolate bars, drinking orange juice, and putting on chap-stick every ten minutes. On another note, you will drop your things and everyone will stare at you while you pick them up awkwardly. 

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

Somebody with a panda obsession is going to hug you today, and you are going to like it. Also, you will hug somebody who needs one and it will make them feel better about themselves. This month is just packed full of hugs for you. Hell, I'd just hug myself right now if I were you. Go ahead, do it.... Did you? Because it'll bring you luck. If you didn't, you may get hit by a car. You'll live, but it'll take you half a year to fully recover. 

I don't want to toot my own horn or anything... but I think my fortune reading skills are damn incredible.