Horoscope- April 2012

I realized that if you were to come to this blog searching for a scarily accurate portrayal of your future, you'd realize that my November horoscope is a bit outdated. Clearly different things happen every month. So without much further ado, I present my updated monthly horoscope for April 2012.

THE G-FISH HOROSCOPE FOR APRIL

Aries (March 21- April 19)

aka my sign

April will be pretty chill. You'll be hit with a bit of Spring time allergies, so keep that tissue box close by. Make sure you get the nice ones that are soft and comforting. You can never spoil your nose too much, especially when it's going through such a hard time. If you come across a bit of money this month, don't get your hopes up too high. You'll spend it on something useless and then regret it later. 

Also, happy birthday. Or happy belated birthday. Or not. You could be a Taurus. Ew.  

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Somebody has wronged you. They've stolen your fancy granola bar and taken a bite of it. God, their nasty germs are going to get all over your perfect mid-day snack. Annihilate the little weasel. Stuff him/her into a toaster.  Then sink that toaster in the Pacific to show the snack thief the true meaning of "You'll be swimmin' with the fishes." Except these fishes aren't going to be nice and tasty like Goldfish or Sweedish fish. No. They'll be sharks. Sharks that enjoy eating good-for-nothing scalawags and excreting them into the deepest darkest pits of the ocean where they'll never see the light of day again but may instead be eaten by a Kraken. 

Also happy birthday if it happens to be this month :]

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

I get the feeling you are going to go see Titanic 3D this month. Not just because it's coming out on April 4th (save the date!) and you're bored, but because you are a legitimate, die hard titanic fan. Not the actual event, of course, but the movie. Unless you really do like it when giant boats crash and kill hundreds of people. Then I've just gone and read you completely wrong.  

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

If you survived November's ferocious dog attack, I'm sorry to say you aren't going to have much luck this month in the animal department. This time it'll be a cat... or possible a duck. It's hard to tell the difference when looking for these things in the stars. Cats and ducks often look pretty similar in the mess up there. Actually... everything looks really similar. Don't eat the mozzarella sticks. 

Leo (July 23- August 22)

For some reason the stars are foreseeing a baby in your future. You might be pregnant. Don't panic. Take deep breaths. Eee-hooo, eee-hoo. This fortune has several interpretations. You could a) actually be pregnant, b) have a friend/relative who is pregnant, c) have a food baby, or d) see a baby in the park. I'd say the majority of those pose no real need to freak out. 

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Something really gangster is going to happen this month. I'm predicting it has to do with proving your street cred to a bunch of no good children. Show them who's boss, home skillet. Crack a frying pan, mad dog. Pop a keyboard and slap a few jams, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cause I'm not entirely sure what I just said. 

Libra (September 23- October 22)

You're going to see a flower on the side of the road. It'll be an extremely peculiar flower, with all sorts of pretty colors and such. However, do to your laziness and the fact that your car is going quite fast, you won't stop to pick it up. Hell, why would you stop to pick it up? It's just a dumb flower. Why risk getting run over, bitten by ticks, and eventually pricked by thorns just to put the dumb flower in a vase? 

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Bitches be trippin'. I sense cat fights in your future. Not literal cats. Literal cats will actually be quite fluffy and cute around you this month. But there's going to be a lot of claws and hissing. It's going to be about something ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of life, like prom or a group project. If you're a guy, keep your head low. Maybe carry around a bottle full of air you can spray into girls' faces if things get too heated. Air spritzes work surprisingly well when it comes to scaring off felines and changing the subject. Unfortunately the subject will quickly turn to: "Why are you spraying me with aaaiiiiirrrrruh." 

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

Worst centaur drawing ever.

Something's wrong with your pronunciation this month. People will keep correcting you on words you've said correctly your whole life. Like water. You'll keep saying the word water wrong. It'll leave you thinking... "What's wrong with me?" Don't stress, though. You've just got a serious case of accent confusion. Quit it with the foreign movies and things will get better. 

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

This is your month for romance. Take a chance. Step outside your comfort zone. You're 7.53 times more likely to succeed if you go for it this month. I promise. In other news, your pizza is going to have one piece of a topping you didn't order. Suspicious. Deciding whether or not you should eat it anyway is going to be the second third biggest decision you'll make all month. 

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

Make sure to keep your phone on you at all times this month. If you don't, someone is going to pick it up, open it, look at a text you've just received, and read something that will make everyone feel uncomfortable. Especially you. Also don't worry about that stain you're going to get on your favorite shirt. It'll come out with a bit of magic, praying, and stain remover. 

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

Given that you hugged yourself when I told you to last November and didn't get hit by a car... this month will be alright for you. You'll take a lot of pictures. This is always fun, because pictures can be a blast to look through after you take them, just don't be obnoxious about it. If you're going to take creeper pics of people, make sure you're discreet. You don't want to annoy everyone by constantly making them feel like they've got to look presentable. Stick to catching them off guard and then not telling them you even took a picture until a few days later when it shows up on facebook.