Why Can't I Draw Unicorns??

I don't know why, but I can't seem to draw unicorns right. It's bothering me.

In case you haven't seen my past two attempts at drawing a unicorn on paint... well here you go:

SO OLD.

SO NOT OLD.

It really shouldn't bother me this much... but it does. I mean... look at them. They're hideous. If they didn't have horns they'd just look like... I don't even know.  I know I've drawn some pretty crappy pictures in the past, but this is just sad.

Anyway, I'm hoping to redeem myself by drawing a somewhat not horrible unicorn. I'll take anyone who cares to follow through my process of bettering my unicorn drawing skill.

STEP ONE: Try again and pray it looks pretty.

MY EYES. THEY BLEED.

STEP TWO: Cry in a corner

Done.

STEP THREE: Look at an internet picture of a unicorn and draw on real paper to gain back self confidence.

Objective. Complete. 

STEP FOUR: Forget all about your original task of drawing a good unicorn on paint and focus all of your energy on making this hand-drawn unicorn look spectacular because you've already invested a hell of a lot of time in it.

STEP FIVE: Shed tears of happiness.

After drawing this I wondered why I never just scanned my pictures onto the computer to begin with. Then I looked at the clock and realized just how much time I'd just spent on drawing a single unicorn. Mystery solved.

Mornings

This is a post about mornings. There will be many pictures.

To be honest, getting up every morning before the sun rises can get a bit depressing. I'm sure you didn't need me to tell you that, but I did. Clearly.

Anyway, there are endless coping methods and strategies for waking up at a designated time, but usually I stick to the same routine. It has worked fairly well so far, and I highly recommend it if you are having trouble finding the right amount of zest in your current getting-ready-for-things-ritual.

Phase 1: Waking up 2 minutes before the alarm clock

This phase takes time to fully master, but once you do, it really helps keep the morning morale hoppin'. There is no sound more torturous than that of a beeping alarm clock, so if you can wake up and stop it before it penetrates your eardrum and shrivels your brain into a pile of self-pitying dust... then do it.

Phase 2: Stretching


Stretch. Let the muscles in your arms and legs unwind like the good kind of twizzler that you can peel strands off of. You know, the kind you always eat first from your halloween candy bag because they are simply superior to the other, regular twizzlers.

Phase 3: Blindly Meander Around for a Short Time


This phase can be potentially dangerous. The squinting involved with stumbling around your room "blindly" can lead to some seriously stubbed toes or collisions with a wall, but your psyche needs those few minutes of uselessness. Give yourself some time to feel like a zombie whose grave was flooded with rain. Allow the self-pity to get out of your system. Use this moment to visit the toilet, or possibly change out of your pajamas. Beat your brain to the realization that changing would take you from the ultimate warmness and comfort of plaid pants to the rough chill of a stale pair of jeans.

And yes, I do realize that I am beginning to go into much more detail than I originally intended... but it's too late now. And the pictures are coming... so hang in there.

Phase 4: The Turning Point


Up to this point your morning has been far from extraordinary. You are wondering why I have told you to walk around lifelessly and wake up two minutes before you intended. But here comes the turning point, the part that is extremely crucial to the excitement of mornings. The ipod. Get one. Buy one. Steal one. Pick it up, put on a fast-paced spanish song you don't understand, and let the magic happen.

Everything you do from this point becomes enjoyable and accompanied by uncontrollable dancing. 

  

There are no more phases, other than to enjoy yourself. I tried drawing a few pictures of myself dancing while doing things... but in every single one I looked like I was trying to do the YMCA with arms that are simply too short for my body.

Songs that I love waking up to:

Danza Kuduro by Don Omar

Bon Bon (We No Speak Americano) by Pitbull

Anything by LMFAO

One last word of caution for using this technique: don't ever let this happen:

...ever.