A Passion Gone Dry...?

Guys, I really dropped the ball on this whole "writing a consistent blog" thing.

See, I thought writing was my thing for a while. I'd spend hours typing strings of words into cute little stories and then shoving them down my friends' throats, juicing them for compliments and deflecting criticism. At one point I thought I could write a book... and I almost did. I spent over two years writing the book on and off, constantly flip-flopping between self hatred and immense pride.

Writing was my favorite thing in the world. I saw myself grow and change and dream on paper, like looking in a mirror and seeing more than just a plain face and unchangeable imperfections. Hell, I saw just the opposite. I liked the me that stared back through my words, and nothing anyone said could convince me otherwise.

Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure why I stopped writing. The easy answer would be time, of course. I went to college, made a lot of new friends, started working, and lost room for writing in my life. But we all know that's not completely true. When you love something... truly love something like I loved writing... well, there's always time. Even so, these days I find myself taking to the keyboard very rarely. I write essays for class and word-vomit all over facebook chat to kindle friendships, and I somehow completely missed the fact that a chunk of my life had faded away in the process.

Two years ago I wrote my common app essay about the words of fiction keeping me alive, the vowels and consonants pumping through my veins. Reading that essay now, my heart breaks for that ridiculous love of writing that now feels so distant.

So am I done? Done writing? It's hard to say. I used to ache to write, arranging the words to describe a funny story throughout the day. I'd get home and ditch my homework to write, forgetting normal human functions like eating and peeing until I was done. But that ache just isn't there anymore. Writing seems more like a tool to sort my thoughts than anything real. I doubt I'll even end up posting this, because it's just me sorting emotions. Nothing fun or extraordinary.

If you're still reading, we're almost to my stupidly optimistic reflection which you should have been expecting if you knew me at all. See, what if I stopped writing because I started to like the me off the paper more than the me that I'd developed through writing? I'll be the first to admit that I was not a very confident person when I started this blog. I was quiet, reserved, and felt more comfortable in my own head than talking to the people around me (aside from a select few of my best friends). In addition, I was not in the best of places. My dad passed away a few months before I started this blog, and the fact that I could not even write those words until today, four years later, speaks to the lack of control I had over my feelings.

These past two years in college, I have changed more than I ever could have expected. Not only do I feel more comfortable in my own skin, but I cherish the conversations and relationships that I have built more than anything. When I look back at my time in high school I see a dark chasm, peppered with a few glimmering reflections of nice memories. These days I see nothing but sun (for the most part). I'm happy and I'm content, and the me that existed based off of my writing and drawing isn't nearly as comforting as the me in the real world. I've lost the ability to connect with my goldfish persona because I have surpassed her.

NOW FOR THE CONCLUSION BECAUSE I PROMISED IT WAS COMING.

So basically, as I have just now figured out during the writing of this post: I may have outgrown the part of me that needed to write to get by, but I do not think that I have outgrown my love of writing. There. I said it, though we all know my words means nothing. I love writing (even if I may forget about it occasionally), and I will keep writing.

Life is good, and writing makes it better.

The Best of Craisins

I get lonely at work sometimes...

But wait, there's more...

    

The Bucketlist (1-250)

I'm getting pretty tired of having no ambitions. Mediocrity has just consumed me so wholly that I've become content with reaching for the covers instead of the goals I once scribbled on that "Where will you be in ten years?" essay from 12th Grade English class.

I'm ready to move on with my life. I mean come on. Let's put some effort into this puppy of an existence. How old am I? Twenty? Pretty soon this pep in my step is going to get sucked into the quicksand of real life adulthood responsibilities. I'm not havin' it.

Time to do something. Time to think about what it truly means to be alive and to live the dream. THE DREAAAAAM.

I'm writing a bucket list. I say "writing" because I was dumb and made item #1 to make a bucket list with 1000 items and it's going to take forever. But I'm moving on with my life. Seizing the day, doing everything and anything that constitutes being alive.

Join me. Do these things too, make your own, help me out, or live vicariously through my adventures. Do what you want. You don't have to be on your deathbed to write a bucket list. Hell, I won't even call this a bucket list if you're so convinced that you need to have weeks to live for it to be legitimate. Call it a "Do This Now Because You're Alive" list. Yeah.

Note: Some of these items are near impossible to do now, but I'm including them because it's good to keep them in mind. I need to know what I'm working toward and that there are things I should be doing in order to fully live my life even as a full fledged adult.

I will update as I add more. My apologies if there are repeats, I started this list a long time ago and may have forgotten if I already added something. Please leave suggestions in the comments <3

ITEMS 1-250

1	Write a bucketlist. With 100 things. NO 1000.
2	Go to Iceland.
3	Try it long distance with a foreign man for 1 week before calling it quits because it's too hard.
4	Meet Brian Williams and ask him to adopt me.
5	Give $100,000 to a charity. Jk make that $1,000,000 because this isn't amateur hour.
6	Leave flowers at a graveyard.
7	Feed pigeons in NYC
8	Find and acquire socks with pictures of socks on them.
9	Make my first child's middle name 'BrianWilliams'.
10	Build a house of cards greater than 3 stories and then roundhouse kick it into oblivion.
11	Own a jellyfish in a tank.
12	Successfully mash two songs so it sounds good in my own opinion. At least 3 other people also have to say that it's not awful.
13	Publish a book.
14	Get a personalized license plate.
15	Be an extra in an awful movie and make LITERALLY everyone watch it.
16	Learn Chinese.
17	Adopt a child. See #9.
18	Own a bouncy castle and throw a tea party inside because let's face it it's never been done before.
19	Swim in a pool that's also a wall.
20	Go to Greece and pray to the only true gods.
21	Buy my first niece or nephew a ballin' drivable kid car with flames on the side.
22	See Cher in concert.
23	Purchase the most intense cosplay I've ever seen and wear it to at least 7 unique locations. Laugh at the burden on my bank account.
24	Go to a dog park with a cat on a leash. A leashed kid also works.
25	Get shit faced at the Ren Fair.
26	Watch all 8 Harry Potter movies nonstop one after the other all day err day leggo let's get it. Just kidding, one run through is enough.
27	Learn a song on the banjo.
28	Pretend to be Evanescence for a day. Quote the lyrics constantly. Everything is dramatic and deep.
29	Paint something on canvas. Either sell it for $10+ or hang it in a semi-legitimate gallery.
30	Skydiving, obv.
31	Make my own LOL cat image using one of my own cats. Has to fain a decent amount of popularity on the internet.
32	Sleep in one of those fancy European trains with beds.
33	Own a hawk, falcon, owl, or other such bird of prey.
34	Meet ZQ (Zachary Quinto). Dinner would also be nice, my treat. Just kidding, his treat. He has more money than I do.
35	Climb Mt. Dew.
36	Experience zero gravity.
37	Get reading glasses that are far too trendy.
38	Eat an entire birthday cake.
39	Get something dry cleaned.
40	Camp out overnight in a treehouse.
41	Get a boating license aka become Captain Danielle.
42	Dye my hair a funky color for one month then realize I've made a poor life choice when it begins to fade and dye it brown again.
43	Go an entire week without taking off my onesie (except to shower).
44	Hold a ferret.
45	Have a squirrel or baby bird or bunny nestle in my hood and sneak it into a building.
46	Rock some sequins.
47	Win a trophy and put it on a high shelf.
48	Eat ten willy wonka bars over the duration of the willy wonka movie. The old version, obviously.
49	Staple myself to something.
50	Wear colored contacts. Purple maybe.
51	Frolick in a gnome sanctuary but be wary of Medusa because these gnomes are way too life-like
52	Write a "would you rather?" book. Sell for $5.
53	Throw something off the top of a ferris wheel. Maybe a feather, because I'd like to not kill anybody please.
54	Play Dungeons and Dragons
55	Wear a t-shirt with my own face on it
56	Be the best at something and never tell anyone
57	Get slapped in the face. It doesn't have to be on purpose but that makes it more interesting. It at least has to leave a hand shaped red mark.
58	Conversely, slap someone so hard there's a handprint on their face. If I can't keep a straight face I have to do it again.
59	Convince a small child that I am a faerie/wizard/elf/god. Get them to offer tribute to my infinite power.
60	Design a corn maze
61	Get a tattoo
62	Surround self with so many bubbles that I can see literally nothing else
63	Own a pet goldfish for more than a week before it dies. Eh, make it a month, I need higher standards
64	Seduce a knight at the Ren fair. Conventions and halloween count too
65	Beat Mario 64, goddamnit.
66	Get a gang nickname to stick among my group of friends. Most preferrably 'Butterknives'
67	Try out google glasses.
68	Stroke a live bear. +5000 wishlist points if I get to ride it.
69	Sleepwalk. I'll also count it if I fake sleepwalk and mess with some people.
70	Pay a professional palm reader/ystic to read my future and/or past
71	Find a medium and see what the dead have to say. +10 if I cry.
72	Hang my high school diploma up in a future office.
73	Crochet an adorable plush thing
74	Drive a taxi
75	Wear an all velcro suit and get stick to a wall. Bask in it.
76	Learn ALL the words to Ice Ice Baby
77	Win a scavenger hunt
78	Host a photo scavenger hunt
79	Sleep in a butterfly sanctuary.
80	Rehabilitate an animal.
81	Ride a roller coaster high. -Six Flags Adventures
82	Distill my own alcohol/wine
83	Be in an ImprovEverywhere video
84	Create a realistic portrait of an acquaintance (mild) using only gel pens
85	Cook an entire chicken.
86	Find Mt. Fiji. Not Fuji, Fiji.
87	Wear three pairs of sunglasses to the beach. No shame no game.
88	Go speed dating who knows
89	Bail someone out of jail for a minor offense cause I don't have the kind of money for big league crime bail like maybe only if it was my sister or something.
90	Jump off a moving train.
91	Play piano in the middle of a street like Vanessa Carlton
92	Get fireman-lifted out of a tree. +20 if I'm over the age of 85. Plus 92 points if I'm over the age of 92.
93	Ride inside of a Trojan horse.
94	Reinact Wicked with self, green face paint and all.
95	Steal something worth more than $15.
96	Get a sports jersey with my name on it because it'd be ironic or something.
97	Attend a tea party with a bunny.
98	Blow a smoke ring.
99	Play 99 bottles of beer on the wall with 99 bottles of bear.
100	Win over $100 from a scratchcard.
101	Give a dalmation an additional spot.
102	Beat a zelda game.
103	Do a graffitti. Extra points if it's on a freight train.
104	Float down a river in a basket like that one guy.
105	Dress like Willy Wonka and hand out candies.
106	Partake in office pranks.
107	Prank call own mother.
108	Find love.
109	Write letters of appreciation to friends and family.
110	Smash watermelon with a hammer.
111	Spring shoes. There's no way that could be a bad idea.
112	Break/sprain a foot/leg and reach the point when crutches are no longer ballin'
113	Understand how clouds are made
114	Drive somewhere without a destination in mind.
115	Dress up as sexual Ben Franklin for halloween. THEM THIGHS MMMM.
116	Actually understand how solar panels work.
117	Learn what the words in Shakira's "Waka Waka" mean.
118	Wear those shoes that help you walk on snow better but just look like tennis rackets tapes to your feet. Snow shoes?
119	Get somebody to help complete/do some of the things (at least 20) of the things on this bucketlist.
120	Fill an excel sheet with some kind of data and reach the bottom.
121	Make a ridiculously easy item on this list and complete it before moving on to the next. Is this the item? Is it? Issssss it? No. No? Okay it was.
122	Use a snorkel effectively.
123	Count to 1000 out loud.
124	Build a physical trojan horse and use it for its intended purpose. See #93.
125	Watch Rent.
126	See Lion King on Broadway, I hear it's the shit.
127	Stand on the rood of the tallet building in a city.
128	Be on Family Fued or some kind of semi-legitimate recreation of it.
129	Throw a tomato at someone.
130	Get a tomato thrown at me.
131	Get slimed like on Nickolodeon- not sure if they do that anymore but do something like that.
132	Shine a pair of shoes.
133	Direct a plane/helicoptor to land.
134	Fill every tile in the blank level of roller coaster tycoon 2
135	Do one of those spinning jumps while ice skating. Bonus points if I don't die.
136	Burn an effigy.
137	Make a dream catcher for someone.
138	Stalk a herd of buffalo.
139	Make a sandwhich on a baby making shelf. Wait why.
140	Cover an entire room with post-it notes.
141	Bathe in moonlight. Naked.
142	Decorate a cubicle to look like a tropical island. Yay vacation time... yay...
143	Perch next to or on top of a gargoyle.
144	Host/be on a semi-legitimate gameshow.
145	Wear rollerblades and get pulled along by a car.
146	Drink from a cup made of chocolate/candy and then bite into it like Willy Wonka.
147	Write something in blood. Doesn't have to be my blood.
148	Give blood.
149	Make a castle out of toothpicks.
150	Go to africa. SAFARI!!!
151	Put a bowtie on a kitten. Bonus points if I don't die.
152	Fall off a boat and don't die.
153	Wear a bunch of ACE bandages and bandaides for the day even if I don't need them
154	Blow a bubble bigger than my face.
155	Make my own trail mix.
156	Learn how to read palms and or tarot cards.
157	Try LSD.
158	Successfully execute a rain dance. If it doesn't rain it doesn't count.
159	Dual someone with real swords.
160	Use nun-chucks without injuring self.
161	Ride a mail robot.
162	Clean up a hoarder's house.
163	Blanket burrito in an elevator.
164	Eat at the top of the Pru.
165	Get a hat with a penguin on it. (reference Matt Beam for the website)
166	Own and/or wear a straight jacket.
167	Be a pathological liar for the day.
168	Set something on fire that I probably shouldn't set on fire.
169	Juggernaut through a cubicle
170	Teach a parrot a bad word. Haha classic.
171	Zombie walk.
172	Apply to be a Face Off model. +500 if chosen.
173	Learn to juggle.
174	Ride a unicycle. (Attempt and at least give a decent effort)
175	Buy an ocelot.
176	Peacock feather headdress. Wear it.
177	Fruit basket head piece.
178	Go off the grid for a month.
179	Apply to be on cupcake wars or a similar such food/tv reality battle.
180	Make a figurine of self and put on top of a cake- wedding style.
181	Build a replica of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory out of legos. It's ok if it sucks.
182	Light a room with fireflies in jars.
183	Take a bath with candles and incense and shit.
184	Jump or "fall" in a mall fountain.
185	Stay at a mildly sketchy an/or haunted Bed and Breakfast.
186	Sell my old pokemon cards for a decent price hopefully
187	Ride a donkey.mule along Grand Canyon.
188	Enter a film festival competition. No, I do not need to win anything.
189	Own a fog machine.
190	Take a siesta under my office desk.
191	Communicate with the people below me via window.
192	Marshmallow gun.
193	Follow a leaf around for an hour in the fall.
194	Pottery class Ghost moment. Watch Ghost first.
195	Weild a flamethrower.
196	Hold >100 helium balloons.
197	Name a star.
198	Walk along the Nazca lines
199	Give a $200 giftcard to someone who really deserves it.
200	Adopt an animal from a shelter
201	Make home into cat paradise with ceiling/wall walkways EVERYWHERE.
202	Successfully barcode scan seld and see how much I'm worth to the system.
203	Drink rum on a boat. ARGH.
204	Snowball fight in the summer.
205	Become the matchmaker from Mulan.
206	Cover entire body (visible) in bandaides.
207	Remember that this isn't amateur hour while half-assing an item on the list.
208	Use glow in the dark chalk.
209	Reach the North Pole and break down in disappointment when my fears that Christmas isn't real are confirmed.
210	Bubble wrap suit of armor, obv.
211	Enter or exit own home through second story window.
212	Be the top of a pyramid.
213	Finish a jawbreaker.
214	Try out dreadlocks.
215	Make noodles from scratch.
216	Find/wear those crazy Effie eyelashes fro the Hunger Games
217	Jump through a flaming hoop.
218	Hoola-hoop with ten hoola-hoops at once.
219	A capella with whistling. It's going to be a disaster... but also a beautiful, life changing experience.
220	Draw the mona lisa on snapchat.
221	Find out who 2 Chainz really is.
222	Soak in hot springs. +5000 if it's in Japan.
223	Drive a mini children's car. ANARCHY. See #22
224	Make pot brownies and eat them too.
225	Try out glass blowing
226	Solve a murder mystery
227	Drink Four loko
228	Build a clock
229	Play a game of Backamin
230	Sit on a tortoise. +300 if it brings me somewhere.
231	Toot a song on a recorder to a snake. Be as charming as possible.
232	Knit in a rocking chair.
233	Double dutch semi-successfully.
234	Do a bar crawl.
235	Dinner, movie, bottle of wine with myself.
236	Pregame for work.
237	Eat a rainbow M&M. I don't know, just make it happen.
238	Ask a stranger to a FANCY BALL.
239	Try ziplining.
240	Make a stained glass mosaic thing.
241	Eat a froyo with EVERYTHING ON IT. +50 if I utilize all froyo flavors available. Enjoy that chilly hot mess.
242	Shoot a gun.
243	Go paintballing.
244	Do one of those dace competitions where you dance until you pass out or are the last one standing.
245	Find someplace where the floor is actually lava. AKA hike a volcano.
246	Join a band and play the tamborine.
247	Throw a Kesha party. Take a picture with all the beards present.
248	Ride on the back of a motorcycle.
249	Ride in one of those bitchin motorcycle side cars like in the Aristocats.
250	Include my cats in my will.